I think i've lost bestie B. this year was the first New Year's Eve Eve that i didn't spend with him in the last 3 years. it's sad. it's heartbreakingly sad that i don't know if he'll be in my 2013. i feel like there is a little hole that was created when things started falling apart, like a pesky hole in a knit sweater, and now everything has unraveled so much (despite me trying to patch things up) that i don't think there's much of a sweater left.
he used to be my first person to call and now i find myself stopping and thinking whether i should or not and then usually choosing the no option. sometimes i feel like maybe there's a light that i can pick up some of the fallen stitches and put them back on my knitting needles and cast on a few more...but they too fall off.
I had a moment of panic on Boxing Day where i thought someone was in my house (one of the most terrifying feelings ever) and B is the only friend i have who lives close enough to come check the house with me....i couldn't call him. i needed my friend so badly and i couldn't call him.
i had a really low night just before christmas - there's been some family drama - and in the midst of a good cry i tried to pour out my heart to B, with no response. thought i was back in his good graces when i got an early morning Merry Christmas on Christmas day, but when i tried to invite him to do something fun for a catch up i was back to no response.
when do i stop trying?
i've written off "friends" who don't put in the effort in the past, but for some reason i just can't write off B. no, that's not right, i don't want to write off B. i miss him. i feel lost without him in my life, like something is just not quite right. i miss laughing with him and having his endless positivity in my life. i hate wanting to tell him everything and feeling like i can't even say "Hi" anymore. And, i can't help but feel that it's my fault, that i should never have opened my mouth in July, that i should have just ignored my jealousy and kept my amazing friend B as he was - as my friend who as far as he knew, i had no feelings for.
but now, i'm just willing to sacrifice any stupid feelings, if i could just have my friend back. i want to put my big comfy sweater back on. The one i've worn so many times before and fits perfectly and where i know every stretched out portion, every repaired hole and faded sleeve. that sweater that is perfect for me despite the flaws, or maybe it's the imperfections that make it perfect for me.
I just want B.
