i'm not one to pry about past relationships since i always find it awkward to say that i haven't had someone call me their girlfriend in seven years and having to explain that it doesn't mean i'm not serious about wanting a relationship. there's also always the concern that they'll think there's something wrong with me, as opposed to my just not having found the right person.
but during this conversation B said something: "I do think we accept what we think we deserve or are willing to tolerate."
Then watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower the other night, one of the characters said the Stephen Chosky quote that i posted above: "We accept the love we think we deserve."
That was twice in a matter of days that the same sentiment came across my ears, and it really got me thinking. i'd heard something similar before in that kinda cute rom-com The Wedding Date, where the handsome Dermot Mulroney characters says that every woman has the exact relationship that she wants. Now that, i wholeheartedly disagreed with. But when you rephrase it about what we think we deserve, it makes perfect sense.
With M, i was so insecure and i spent so much of our relationship just feeling so lucky that someone like him who was so self-assured, successful and from a good family, was paying attention to me. i was early in my university education and i worked at a 7-eleven and he was this rock that kept me standing and gave me direction. So when it came down to being treated as though i was a priority in his life, i always made excuses and convinced myself to be okay with what i was given. he was always upfront with what he was willing to give and i just accepted all of it.
fast forward to many, many, many dates post-M and with each new person, i learned more about what i wanted and that it was okay to want and need things and to not accept anything less. i learned what i was willing to compromise on and where i really needed to hold my ground for me. most of all, in the last seven years, i've discovered who i am on my own, without someone else's validation.
so when B said that "we accept what we think we deserve or are willing to tolerate" it really hit home for me.
how often do we stop to think about what we truly deserve? i think it's really important to be self-aware and truly understand who you are in order to understand what you deserve. We also need to look at our own habits, where we're stubborn and when we need to stop, reflect and maybe adjust our own unrealistic expectations. And instead of looking at it as what you will tolerate, as i think that has a negative connotation to it, it'd be more about looking at the areas where you will compromise, those so-called shortcomings or flaws in the other person that you can accept because no one is perfect but where the things you love about them outweigh anything else.
as hard as it is, i think i am finally in a place to appreciate the heartache and the frustration, because you really can't see the light until you've been through the darkness.
i'm really enjoying this increasingly glowing path i'm wandering down with B. we still have no idea where it's going or how we're getting there, but our recent conversations, which are always so honest and especially as of late have really shed light on our mutual feelings, have shown me that we're meandering side-by-side on the same path...and boy does that feel good.
