So i started this blog with the best of intentions and fell off the wagon sooner then i had planned. It's easy to write about the things going on around you, to write about your friends....to make up fiction. But when it comes to writing about yourself there's a bit of an obstacle course to navigate before you are able to commit your life to writing.
Talking about life is easy but once you write it down you can't alter the events in the same way as you do when you tell the story to different people. You can't manipulate the words you use and change the emphasis, the tone, the intention. Once it's written, there are still multiple readings people can take from it - but now you lack some of the control over what meaning they extract. You can no longer paint yourself in a better light based on the reactions of a previous telling, in order to bend people to your side when you just really need that support. But we can't revise our lives once they are set in motion - what happens, happens and the pages keep turning but the existing chapters don't disappear....sometimes if we're lucky they fade from the forefront of people's minds. Sometimes the fading fingerprints on our own minds are enough.
I dwell on things. i hate that i do it and i know that i do it, but it doesn't make it any easier to stop. even after some of the events of an incident have started to become fuzzy, i still focus on what i said and did and how maybe it was my fault and maybe it could have gone better or i could have tried harder - then i beat myself up mentally over things that maybe i could have done better. it's exhausting
It still bugs me that a friendship i treasured, up until 5 years ago, no longer exists. First it was hurt that stopped me from being the bigger person - i felt like i had already tried so much and that maybe i just cared more about the friendship than she did - Then it was pride that stopped me from relighting the candle and now i just wish things were different. unless perhaps it was just meant to happen. i mean i like the idea of fate - that everything happens for a reason, to help push us along to our ultimate destinations. but i also think that the choices we make alter our fate...i'm a web of contradictions. My mind cycles around and around the same issue and all i'm left with is a ring embedded in the ground - a path well-traveled but not fully understood or explored.
i don't let fingerprints fade.....the sting of the past implants itself. it's kind of like a sore that never completely heals, just scabs over until something triggers the wound to reopen and bleed once again.
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