Inner Black Eye

Why are people so disappointing?

All throughout my teenage years, i was told by all of the slackers that i just cared too much and if i didn't care so much, i wouldn't stress myself out and i wouldn't be disappointed when things didn't work out.

my response was always that i didn't know how to not care.

i've always been a planner. it gives me comfort to have an idea of what could be. it gives me a sense of purpose and grounds me. without a plan i feel lost and anxious. me and S were laughing the other day about how i have to "plan to be spontaneous." for some reason, knowing when the appropriate time for that is, gives me peace of mind.

i've never been able to stop caring or planning, except when it comes to my personal life.

I haven't cared about someone else, i mean really cared, since my hair was all one colour, since i worked at a convenience store, since clubbing was a verb that was a regular part of my vocabulary and wasn't used when referring to banging my head against objects due to frustration at work.

i just turned off a part of myself that used to be so open and unconditional and instead, i became someone removed, present but not fully in attendance. I became cold and distant because that meant that i didn't have to be disappointed. perhaps i could be pleasantly surprised instead?

i let go of that hard exterior not too long ago. i felt the pieces crumble and for a little while, i was slowly remembering what it was like when i was just me - no doubts entertained. things had colour again and texture and for the first time in a long time i felt something that i told many of my girlfriends i don't feel when it comes to people: excitement. And hand in glove with that excitement came anticipation for what comes next.

today i'm disappointed. not with someone who seems to have let me down, but with myself. i'm disappointed that i feel stupid. i'm disappointed that i didn't try sooner. i'm disappointed that i think it's not ok to feel something and to have expectations.

so i guess this time, i'm just disappointed that i disappointed myself. More than ever i'm realizing that disappointment is just one of those emotions that outweighs anger and sadness and really leaves a bruise.