So i'm driving home from work the other day, listening to Virgin Radio and just unwinding from my long day at the office, when Maneater by Nelly Furtado comes on the radio.
Now, way back when, J coined Maneater as my theme song.
Urban Dictionary defines a "maneater" as "The female equivalent to the more male-associated words like pimp or player. An irresistable woman who chews and spits out men after using them for some sort of gain -- be it sexual, financial or psychological."
Now while i will say in my defense that i never used men for any kind of gain, i did receive this title of maneater because i had a tendency to cycle through men very, very.....very quickly. the girls would joke that the guy would just be getting attached and i'd be walking out the door. it's not something i'm proud of - i had strong commitment issues in the beginning and then it just became about being with the right guy, and as soon as i figured out a guy wasn't "the right guy," well....poof be gone (in usually 5 dates or less).
So this song comes on the radio, for the first time in a ridiculously long time, and all i can find myself thinking is it's like a taunt. it felt like i was 13 years old, surrounded by a group of mean girls, taunting me about my past inadequacies in the romance department. in light of the fact that i'm now seeing someone who i'm really excited about, it was more than a little disheartening.
i firmly believe that you shouldn't settle. that those who settle, eventually realize that they have in fact settled which doesn't lead to a happy relationship. i also don't believe in wasting other people's time. when i'm out, and know i'm out, i tell the other person - why lead them on into thinking that you feel the same way they do if you don't. While i think these are great qualities of mine, the downside is i don't always give everyone the best chance and when my emotions do pull out of a situation, they pull out fast and hard like a magician pulling a table cloth off a table without disturbing the glassware on top. these are things i acknowledge as problems and i have been working hard to correct these flaws.
what is comforting, however, is that the few times where i've felt like someone could be "the right guy" - those two downsides haven't played a roll in the downfall. so maybe, just maybe, there's a method to my maneating madness?
Regardless, here i was in my car being taunted by Nelly Furtado and all i could think is, "i'm so glad i'm not that person anymore." That was a new thought for me. Previously the song just made me laugh, think of J and shake my head at myself. But for the first time i really didn't identify with the song at all. i think i've finally managed to shed my maneating skin in recognition of wanting more and believing that maybe i can have more.
Everyone deserves more. it just takes some of us longer to adjust our lives to make more possible.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Let's jump off a roof and fly
Remember when you were a little kid and fear wasn't an issue? Of course you were frightened of things that you would never be frightened of now (monsters under the bed, hands coming out of drawers left open, creepy men that turned you into mannequins if you didn't pay your taxes - recurring childhood nightmare, long story), but you weren't scared of life.
When it came to trying something you new, you dove in headfirst. You didn't think about getting hurt. Instead, you thought about having fun.
As we grow up and get hurt, we lose that fearless attitude. We start constructing barriers around ourselves to prevent that hurt from having damaging consequences. In many cases, this is a good thing. Why don't we jump off a roof? well, we know we can't fly and that we could break something. Why don't we make that snarky comment? well, we know it's going to hurt someone's feelings and that it's not the most polite or adult thing to do in the moment.
But then there are other things that we stop doing because it's ingrained in us that it's not ok to fail. So we stop trying new things that we don't think we're good at. we stop asking questions that might make us appear less bright. We stop doing these things to protect ourselves from being emotionally hurt.
emotional pain is a funny thing because no one else can see the damage, and often, it's our own internal turmoil that keeps it around. We dwell on the little things, we invite it to stay in our guest room and join us for dinner, to tag along on outings - it becomes that house guest that was never really wanted in the first place, but that we can't seem to ask to leave. Eventually, it does, but it leaves behind a reminder that it once stayed in your home - a stain on the rug or a broken vase. We learn to to use the stains and broken glass shards as fortification against future house guests. We slowly build up our walls, our artillery, we get the livery in order and make sure that the moat has a dragon and the drawbridge is always up.
This fortification doesn't work when you're trying to date. it's really hard to meet someone new, when they don't get to meet all of you because the dragon keeps them well outside the interior walls of your castle.
I've definitely had my ups and downs in the dating world. some of those are aired on here. but recently, i met someone who has given me that hope that maybe, just maybe, it could work this time.
I've found myself pulling down the walls, tossing out the ammunition, telling the dragon to get lost and draining the moat. i feel like this time i'm that 19-year-old girl again who used to dive head first into relationships with careless abandon, opening my arms wide and my heart wider, to those around me. i used to have fun and just go with it and let people see all of me - i stopped doing that after M and i broke up. my last official boyfriend.....six long years ago. i decided i never wanted to be hurt like that again, which meant that no one got to know all of me. sometimes they were able to lift themselves to a window, sneaking a peek at what was inside, what i used to be like, but eventually the dragon would fly up there and get them (yes, i have a flying dragon).
this time just feels different. maybe, i'm just ready to let someone in again.... FINALLY. but i have to say, i'm excited and hopeful and scared all at the same time. And boy does it feel good to know that C is seeing ME, the real me. that's not to say that i have forgotten all of the lessons i've learned. i haven't. i have brought all of that wisdom with me. but i've also brought an open heart which i think means a solid chance at maybe finding someone to walk through life with me.
When it came to trying something you new, you dove in headfirst. You didn't think about getting hurt. Instead, you thought about having fun.
As we grow up and get hurt, we lose that fearless attitude. We start constructing barriers around ourselves to prevent that hurt from having damaging consequences. In many cases, this is a good thing. Why don't we jump off a roof? well, we know we can't fly and that we could break something. Why don't we make that snarky comment? well, we know it's going to hurt someone's feelings and that it's not the most polite or adult thing to do in the moment.
But then there are other things that we stop doing because it's ingrained in us that it's not ok to fail. So we stop trying new things that we don't think we're good at. we stop asking questions that might make us appear less bright. We stop doing these things to protect ourselves from being emotionally hurt.
emotional pain is a funny thing because no one else can see the damage, and often, it's our own internal turmoil that keeps it around. We dwell on the little things, we invite it to stay in our guest room and join us for dinner, to tag along on outings - it becomes that house guest that was never really wanted in the first place, but that we can't seem to ask to leave. Eventually, it does, but it leaves behind a reminder that it once stayed in your home - a stain on the rug or a broken vase. We learn to to use the stains and broken glass shards as fortification against future house guests. We slowly build up our walls, our artillery, we get the livery in order and make sure that the moat has a dragon and the drawbridge is always up.
This fortification doesn't work when you're trying to date. it's really hard to meet someone new, when they don't get to meet all of you because the dragon keeps them well outside the interior walls of your castle.
I've definitely had my ups and downs in the dating world. some of those are aired on here. but recently, i met someone who has given me that hope that maybe, just maybe, it could work this time.
I've found myself pulling down the walls, tossing out the ammunition, telling the dragon to get lost and draining the moat. i feel like this time i'm that 19-year-old girl again who used to dive head first into relationships with careless abandon, opening my arms wide and my heart wider, to those around me. i used to have fun and just go with it and let people see all of me - i stopped doing that after M and i broke up. my last official boyfriend.....six long years ago. i decided i never wanted to be hurt like that again, which meant that no one got to know all of me. sometimes they were able to lift themselves to a window, sneaking a peek at what was inside, what i used to be like, but eventually the dragon would fly up there and get them (yes, i have a flying dragon).
this time just feels different. maybe, i'm just ready to let someone in again.... FINALLY. but i have to say, i'm excited and hopeful and scared all at the same time. And boy does it feel good to know that C is seeing ME, the real me. that's not to say that i have forgotten all of the lessons i've learned. i haven't. i have brought all of that wisdom with me. but i've also brought an open heart which i think means a solid chance at maybe finding someone to walk through life with me.
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