The Urge to Run

I think i've sabotaged a lot of potential relationships in the last two years. i tell myself that i'm just saving myself from wasting my time and so as soon as i see something i dislike, i walk away. I can admit i'm picky, that i have high standards for myself and for the people i am friends with and the people who i date...but i don't easily admit that i'm scared.

i can admit that homeless people freak me out. That sick people make me nervous, the smell of a hospital or care facility can almost instantly bring tears to my eyes. I'm terrified of drowning and can't swim. I'm scared of failure and being a disappointment, of letting other people down - of letting myself down. I'm scared of dying a terrible death.

i have no problem telling others those fears. but when it comes to being in a relationship that could potentially get serious, i'm terrified of getting burned. i didn't always feel that way - i would give everything right up front and take what life handed me. Then i fell in love and got tossed aside by someone who feared commitment more than anything else.

looking back on some of the reasons i've broken up with people in the last 2 years i can see that i've turned into that commitment-phobe who left me a tangled mess for a long time. the knots haven't untied yet and that web of uncertainty surrounds me now. so i put up a shield and only let a few people in.

OR

I try and be open and i get excited and then they throw a bunch at me all at once and i panic and bolt for the nearest exit with one of my handy excuses at the ready - he's too feminine, more of a woman that i am - he has social skill issues - he reminds me of my father - he's insecure - he couldn't admit fault or when he was wrong - he suffocated me - he didn't give me THAT feeling.......

so now i'm scared that i'm going to sabotage everything that comes my way. do i tell potentials this? do i say - "hey i need to take things slow and you need to give me time because all i want to do is run as fast as i can so that i don't become that crumpled body on the bathroom floor again"

I've turned to internet dating - those i have told (because let's face it there is a certain stigma attached to it) tell me that i shouldnt' have to do that. but i figure since i'm not living in BC right now it might be a different opportunity for getting to know someone back home seeing as i can't actually meet anyone until i finish my contract. so i've been talking with two people on a consistent basis. one of them we've progressed to phone calls and actually randomly share friends - one of my best friend's bf in fact. but i'm scared to meet him and not because i met him online. but because i'm worried that i'm going to do what i always do and not give him a chance.

i'm not getting my hopes up about this one, i try not to think about it at all unless we're talking at that moment - i figure if i make it seem like it's no big deal maybe i will relax and take it as it comes like i used to. but it just feels like there is so much pressure to do it right.

my girlfriend calls me the Maneater and has been trying to set me up with every single guy she knows - her husband is now doing the same. yes i said husband....oh did i mention i'm pretty much the only single one out of my friends....one of my customers at the last place i worked informed me he has someone he wants to set me up with....some people i met on the weekend for the first time, one of them has someone they want to set me up with ----- first time i meet them, i don't even speak french very well so was practically a mute during the meeting and yet they are already trying to set me up.

do i have a NEED A MAN sign stuck to my back that i can't see????

do i want a relationship? YES i'm tired of dating. BUT i just can't seem to do it right or i just pine over the people that i can't have and either way i end up crumpled on the bathroom floor....

So everyday i fight the urge to run and some days i don't fight.

I just run.