And what would Mom like?

Today i headed down to my old job at a car auction to celebrate their family fun show and shine auction with my friend M. P (who unfortunately had to work today) convinced me to go with promises of popcorn and tootsie rolls (every time i hear tootsie roll, that jingle pops into my head from when i was a kid). but M was bringing his kids down so i went to hang out with him and the munchkins and say hi to some of my old co-workers.

it's weird going back to the auction these days. i worked there for 3 years and yet i already feel like i've become an outsider. i'm the one who left. and the one who doesn't lie about how ecstatic she is with her choice to leave. but it was nice to see some people, like Fred, my most favorite auctioneer.

We got onto a rocky start him and me. When i first started at the auction, i got pulled into block clerking my second month there. a block clerk sits beside the auctioneer and keeps track of all the incoming bids in the computer system, as well as bids for the online bidders. It requires a high amount of accuracy and great reflexes in order to keep up with the auctioneer. Fred, as lovable as he is, is not a patient man when it comes to dealing with block clerks and he yelled at me a couple times when i was learning the online bidding side of the job. This resulted in me crumbling into tears because i was trying SO incredibly hard to do it perfectly. i was unable to clerk the rest of the auction because i couldn't compose myself, so my trainer took over while i tried to collect myself. Fred caught me crying and felt so terrible about the whole ordeal and since then we have been super close. he's like a father figure and so incredibly sweet.

i couldn't resist when i saw him and i ran up to the block to give him a hug. he actually stopped the auction to say hi and hug me back. Good to know i can still stop an auction ;)

they had a lot of fun activities for the kids which was great because M's little boy is about 6 and his daughter and her friend are 9. While we were waiting to get our balloon creations i was joking with the kids and watching the man make one of the girls a killer whale. When the balloon man made a comment about "mom and dad" needing balloons too. i didn't really catch what he meant and so ignored it. Then later the balloon man made another comment to me referring to me as "Mom." i just laughed and didn't bother correcting him. M thought it was hilarious and kept calling me Mom. Then we went inside to get the kids' faces painted and the face painting lady decided to ask "Mom" for permission to do a scary face on little Joel. At this point M's daughter came up to me and whispered "She thinks you're our mom!" haha.

i definitely didn't think i would be waking up a mother this morning but it was pretty nice to be called that i must admit- although the logistics of those pregnancies would be a little complicated considering my age haha. i got the warm and fuzzies with it and it's nice to know that i look like i fit the role. my friends joke that i have the mommy purse with everything a mom would need - P calls it the Mary Poppins purse because the contents can be so surprising. i definitely want kids someday and it just felt really good to be mistaken for their mom, which is something that has never happened before. maybe i am growing up a little bit.

~~~~~~~~~~~

On the dark and twisty front, i'm doing much better. my dark and twistiness was felt by the new boy as well and through misunderstandings on both sides, we had mutually convinced ourselves the other wasn't interested which climaxed in some angry and hurt moments. i do think that i often give up too soon and i am making a valiant effort to try with this one because i feel like E and i have a connection i haven't felt with anyone else. maybe with some better communication on both of our parts, dark and twisty moments will stay away. If not, at least i will know that i have actually tried.

Skin

No matter how thick skinned we try to be, there's millions of electrifying nerve endings in there. Open and exposed and feeling way too much. Try as we might to keep from feeling pain, sometimes it's just unavoidable. Sometimes that's the only thing left - just feeling. ~ Grey's Anatomy

As Meredith Grey would say, I had a dark and twisty weekend. It's not a regular occurrence but every couple months or so, one sneaks up on me. it usually happens when one thing in my life just isn't working for me. then it's a dark and twisty couple days where it seems as though nothing can lift my mood. I get snarky and spending my time alone is really the only way to push through it. It's really not fair to subject others to it.

this dark and twisty weekend was brought to me in part by my lack lustre personal life.

professionally speaking i'm doing quite well. i have a job that i love and that i seem to be doing really well at, considering the good feedback i have been getting from my supervisor, manager and director. there seems to be promise for the potential for a position should one become available and i've just taken on a new job that will help to keep me noticed at the company.

personally - well i'm kind of lame.

this past weekend was the last weekend of the PNE. The PNE is my FAVOURITE part of summer. i know that sounds silly but there's something about the youthful feeling in the air that invigorates me. I love cheering for the Super Dogs and for the pigs and the ducks. I take way too much pleasure in wandering through the market place and listening to all the pitches the vendors are shouting (i have a soft spot for infomercials). AND it's the perfect time to indulge in everything deep fried - did you know they had deep fried butter this year?? sounds awful but soo intriguing. To top it all off, this year is the 100th anniversary of the PNE.

i wasn't able to find one person to go with me. not one. when it comes down to having friends, i mean real friends not acquaintances, i don't have a lot and that doesn't bother me because i'd rather have real, good friends then half-assed ones, but in situations like this it sucks. i asked everyone i could think of to go with me and struck out with each request.

i ended up asking my ex bf to go and, knowing how much i love the pne, he wanted to take me and it became the Monday plan. Unfortunately it rained like crazy and we couldn't go. it was really sweet of him to want to take me though. But because of my dark and twisty weekend i wasn't very nice and he got a very heartfelt apology message from me that would have been tear stained if my iphone could absorb.

the dark and twisty started not because of the pne, but because i tried not to be so thick-skinned and instead i let the nerve endings be open and exposed and i let myself feel....and i got disappointed. things have not been going so well with the new flame as of late and honestly i don't know why i'm surprised.

i don't let my guard down. i keep a wall up and i stay on my side and that way when the dark passages become lit with new knowledge about people, i'm ok with it and i can walk away unscathed. burns take far too long to heal to not be careful.

i dropped the wall. i embraced something new and let my skin come in contact with new surroundings and i enjoyed every minute of it until a 3am drunk dial and asshole behaviour popped up, followed by a strange attitude and a lack of commitment. there wasn't even a tentative date on table (which by the way i hate, it's not hard to make a plan and stick to it. a tentative date feels like you are holding out for something better) there was just nothing except suggestions for dates from me and no follow up from him.

i'm so tired of my romantic life sucking. i would really like to rid myself of the nick name Maneater. i want to believe there is someone for me that will make the effort and will court me. how old fashioned is that? but i expect a guy to plan dates, just as i would for him, and to woo me or at least want to woo me. i think i'm wooable. it'd be nice to be treated special for once - i'm not high maintenance in relationships, i'm impressed by the smallest gestures and i don't need phone calls every day and i don't need to see the person all the time BUT i still want that effort.

the dark and twisty weekend is over - but there is a whole lot of feeling left over...