Skin

No matter how thick skinned we try to be, there's millions of electrifying nerve endings in there. Open and exposed and feeling way too much. Try as we might to keep from feeling pain, sometimes it's just unavoidable. Sometimes that's the only thing left - just feeling. ~ Grey's Anatomy

As Meredith Grey would say, I had a dark and twisty weekend. It's not a regular occurrence but every couple months or so, one sneaks up on me. it usually happens when one thing in my life just isn't working for me. then it's a dark and twisty couple days where it seems as though nothing can lift my mood. I get snarky and spending my time alone is really the only way to push through it. It's really not fair to subject others to it.

this dark and twisty weekend was brought to me in part by my lack lustre personal life.

professionally speaking i'm doing quite well. i have a job that i love and that i seem to be doing really well at, considering the good feedback i have been getting from my supervisor, manager and director. there seems to be promise for the potential for a position should one become available and i've just taken on a new job that will help to keep me noticed at the company.

personally - well i'm kind of lame.

this past weekend was the last weekend of the PNE. The PNE is my FAVOURITE part of summer. i know that sounds silly but there's something about the youthful feeling in the air that invigorates me. I love cheering for the Super Dogs and for the pigs and the ducks. I take way too much pleasure in wandering through the market place and listening to all the pitches the vendors are shouting (i have a soft spot for infomercials). AND it's the perfect time to indulge in everything deep fried - did you know they had deep fried butter this year?? sounds awful but soo intriguing. To top it all off, this year is the 100th anniversary of the PNE.

i wasn't able to find one person to go with me. not one. when it comes down to having friends, i mean real friends not acquaintances, i don't have a lot and that doesn't bother me because i'd rather have real, good friends then half-assed ones, but in situations like this it sucks. i asked everyone i could think of to go with me and struck out with each request.

i ended up asking my ex bf to go and, knowing how much i love the pne, he wanted to take me and it became the Monday plan. Unfortunately it rained like crazy and we couldn't go. it was really sweet of him to want to take me though. But because of my dark and twisty weekend i wasn't very nice and he got a very heartfelt apology message from me that would have been tear stained if my iphone could absorb.

the dark and twisty started not because of the pne, but because i tried not to be so thick-skinned and instead i let the nerve endings be open and exposed and i let myself feel....and i got disappointed. things have not been going so well with the new flame as of late and honestly i don't know why i'm surprised.

i don't let my guard down. i keep a wall up and i stay on my side and that way when the dark passages become lit with new knowledge about people, i'm ok with it and i can walk away unscathed. burns take far too long to heal to not be careful.

i dropped the wall. i embraced something new and let my skin come in contact with new surroundings and i enjoyed every minute of it until a 3am drunk dial and asshole behaviour popped up, followed by a strange attitude and a lack of commitment. there wasn't even a tentative date on table (which by the way i hate, it's not hard to make a plan and stick to it. a tentative date feels like you are holding out for something better) there was just nothing except suggestions for dates from me and no follow up from him.

i'm so tired of my romantic life sucking. i would really like to rid myself of the nick name Maneater. i want to believe there is someone for me that will make the effort and will court me. how old fashioned is that? but i expect a guy to plan dates, just as i would for him, and to woo me or at least want to woo me. i think i'm wooable. it'd be nice to be treated special for once - i'm not high maintenance in relationships, i'm impressed by the smallest gestures and i don't need phone calls every day and i don't need to see the person all the time BUT i still want that effort.

the dark and twisty weekend is over - but there is a whole lot of feeling left over...