More often than not these days, i feel as though i'm living through that dreamlike state of watching myself live while another me just goes through the motions. It's almost an out of body experience. It doesn't seem to matter where i am or what i'm doing, i constantly feel like i'm not really a part of what's happening, like i've checked out of real life.
i'm out for drinks with the ladies on Friday, something i normally enjoy, but i felt like i was watching them socialize and while i can hear myself participating, it didn't really feel as if i was taking part. it's been like this for months. i thought i would have snapped out of it by now but pinching myself doesn't seem to be waking me up.
I was watching Les Mis with S last month and it got to the part where Eponine is singing about her love for Maurius. It starts off sounding like a beautiful memory of the time they spend together and then she reveals that the love story she's been recanting is something she imagines in her mind. I found myself crying through the song as i realized that's my love life wrapped up in a song. my love life is full of me imagining possibilities but never actually living any of them.
so i've been focusing my energy elsewhere, trying to give myself new meaning, happiness and direction that's just for and from myself.
i made a step forward in the house-hunt this month. after seeing around 30 properties, i finally found one that i could see myself living in. i had always thought finding the place i wanted to live in would be like when those brides on tv find *the* wedding dress: everything would feel instantly right, a sense of calm would come over me and then excitement and i'd be ready to dive head first. instead in classic me-fashion, i completely freaked out and it took multiple walks in the neighborhood at all times of the day, plus a map (the map really did it for me) defining how long it would take me to walk to different areas of the city to convince me to put in an offer.
everyone kept saying to me, "you must be so excited" and i just kept reaffirming that subjects weren't removed yet and i wasn't getting excited until it was for sure. despite myself, i got a little excited and started decorating "my new condo" in my mind. in my head i could see my daily routines playing out, where i would place things, where i would entertain. Then the day we were supposed to remove subjects some items came up and after the seller refused to extend subjects by a week to allow me to get the results from their AGM, the deal folded and my hopes and fantasies of life in my new condo lay shattered on the ground amidst protests from me telling everyone "i'm fine and don't care."
i'm isolating myself from my friends because i don't want to have to talk about any of it with them and have them feel sorry for me or have to hear the pity in their voices as they say "aww honey." Not to mention i feel like i have nothing in common with my close friends any more who are busy with their husbands and kids.
the truth is i'm so frustrated with everything. i feel like nothing is happening in my life right now. i thought starting the new role at work would make me feel better, like i was doing something new or could focus on something other than obsessing over made up scenarios i keep playing over and over in my head.
i feel lost and lonely and like a failure - and that last one is something i haven't had to feel like often (being a perfectionist) and it's the worst part of it all. i'm failing at interpersonal relationships - romantic or otherwise - and i have no control over the situation. i want to stop feeling like i have to imagine things in order to find happiness and instead just live and be happy.
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