I think i've sabotaged a lot of potential relationships in the last two years. i tell myself that i'm just saving myself from wasting my time and so as soon as i see something i dislike, i walk away. I can admit i'm picky, that i have high standards for myself and for the people i am friends with and the people who i date...but i don't easily admit that i'm scared.
i can admit that homeless people freak me out. That sick people make me nervous, the smell of a hospital or care facility can almost instantly bring tears to my eyes. I'm terrified of drowning and can't swim. I'm scared of failure and being a disappointment, of letting other people down - of letting myself down. I'm scared of dying a terrible death.
i have no problem telling others those fears. but when it comes to being in a relationship that could potentially get serious, i'm terrified of getting burned. i didn't always feel that way - i would give everything right up front and take what life handed me. Then i fell in love and got tossed aside by someone who feared commitment more than anything else.
looking back on some of the reasons i've broken up with people in the last 2 years i can see that i've turned into that commitment-phobe who left me a tangled mess for a long time. the knots haven't untied yet and that web of uncertainty surrounds me now. so i put up a shield and only let a few people in.
OR
I try and be open and i get excited and then they throw a bunch at me all at once and i panic and bolt for the nearest exit with one of my handy excuses at the ready - he's too feminine, more of a woman that i am - he has social skill issues - he reminds me of my father - he's insecure - he couldn't admit fault or when he was wrong - he suffocated me - he didn't give me THAT feeling.......
so now i'm scared that i'm going to sabotage everything that comes my way. do i tell potentials this? do i say - "hey i need to take things slow and you need to give me time because all i want to do is run as fast as i can so that i don't become that crumpled body on the bathroom floor again"
I've turned to internet dating - those i have told (because let's face it there is a certain stigma attached to it) tell me that i shouldnt' have to do that. but i figure since i'm not living in BC right now it might be a different opportunity for getting to know someone back home seeing as i can't actually meet anyone until i finish my contract. so i've been talking with two people on a consistent basis. one of them we've progressed to phone calls and actually randomly share friends - one of my best friend's bf in fact. but i'm scared to meet him and not because i met him online. but because i'm worried that i'm going to do what i always do and not give him a chance.
i'm not getting my hopes up about this one, i try not to think about it at all unless we're talking at that moment - i figure if i make it seem like it's no big deal maybe i will relax and take it as it comes like i used to. but it just feels like there is so much pressure to do it right.
my girlfriend calls me the Maneater and has been trying to set me up with every single guy she knows - her husband is now doing the same. yes i said husband....oh did i mention i'm pretty much the only single one out of my friends....one of my customers at the last place i worked informed me he has someone he wants to set me up with....some people i met on the weekend for the first time, one of them has someone they want to set me up with ----- first time i meet them, i don't even speak french very well so was practically a mute during the meeting and yet they are already trying to set me up.
do i have a NEED A MAN sign stuck to my back that i can't see????
do i want a relationship? YES i'm tired of dating. BUT i just can't seem to do it right or i just pine over the people that i can't have and either way i end up crumpled on the bathroom floor....
So everyday i fight the urge to run and some days i don't fight.
I just run.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Perfectly Pouted and Polished....
“How did it happen that their lips came together? How does it happen that birds sing, that snow melts, that the rose unfolds, that the dawn whitens behind the stark shapes of trees on the quivering summit of the hill? A kiss, and all was said.”
so much can be said when two lips touch - a million messages pass into your head the moment contact is made. people always say that you can tell if a person is for you when you have that first kiss... it sounds too fairytale-esque; it seems so very much like cinderella or the frog prince, where that fit is "just right." we all scoff at the idea but deep down we all know it's grounded in truth.
i can't how many times that one kiss just changed everything. sometimes it was followed by a feeling of relief and the anticipation of a future full of kisses just as perfect. in that kiss a million promises unfurled before me - the promises that young girls are fed from infancy. Promises that one day our prince will come, one day we'll ride off into the sunset, one day there will be diamond sunbursts and marble halls and most importantly, one day someone will love you with all their heart.
but of course there are also those kisses that tell you that this will never work and even when you tell yourself that a kiss is a silly reason to let go of someone you barely know...holding on gets you nowhere.
the problem is that when you have the chance of falling on either side of the fence, it can deter you from making that move for fear that the lips will tell you everything you need to know. when you anticipate that first kiss and it's a let down, it hurts the heart a little. you begin to wonder if those lips will ever whisper the right words.
there is a person i've wanted to kiss - just because i've been brainwashed to believe that that one kiss is going to tell me whether that person is my person. but i can't bring myself to do it, no matter how i feel - there are other circumstances that deter me, such as the worst timing in the world - i just don't want to risk falling on the wrong side of the fence with that ruling that the lips have spoken.
so much can be said when two lips touch - a million messages pass into your head the moment contact is made. people always say that you can tell if a person is for you when you have that first kiss... it sounds too fairytale-esque; it seems so very much like cinderella or the frog prince, where that fit is "just right." we all scoff at the idea but deep down we all know it's grounded in truth.
i can't how many times that one kiss just changed everything. sometimes it was followed by a feeling of relief and the anticipation of a future full of kisses just as perfect. in that kiss a million promises unfurled before me - the promises that young girls are fed from infancy. Promises that one day our prince will come, one day we'll ride off into the sunset, one day there will be diamond sunbursts and marble halls and most importantly, one day someone will love you with all their heart.
but of course there are also those kisses that tell you that this will never work and even when you tell yourself that a kiss is a silly reason to let go of someone you barely know...holding on gets you nowhere.
the problem is that when you have the chance of falling on either side of the fence, it can deter you from making that move for fear that the lips will tell you everything you need to know. when you anticipate that first kiss and it's a let down, it hurts the heart a little. you begin to wonder if those lips will ever whisper the right words.
there is a person i've wanted to kiss - just because i've been brainwashed to believe that that one kiss is going to tell me whether that person is my person. but i can't bring myself to do it, no matter how i feel - there are other circumstances that deter me, such as the worst timing in the world - i just don't want to risk falling on the wrong side of the fence with that ruling that the lips have spoken.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Swirling White Possibilties
I love snow. On the west coast we certainly don't get a lot of it, so when do it's magical. Growing up when it snowed it was like life as we knew it was over. everything would stop. in elementary school all eyes would be glued to the window - everyone in awe. there was the possibility of there being enough snow to make a snowman or an igloo. there was the chance of a snowball fight and of sledding. and of course there was always the possibility of that elusive snow day. today the world still stops except that the eyes looking out the window are filled with dread at thoughts of how people are going to get home or get to work. reports of snow cause grumbles and a white christmas is no longer looked forward to or hoped for by the adult crowd.
i find it sad that people forget how magical snow used to be - that underneath that inconvenience is perhaps jack frost's way of saying "slow down, remember, reflect." when i moved to Ottawa i left behind my car and facing an east coast winter is not something i was prepared for. but even when i'm trudging through the snow on my walk to or from work, i feel this sense of possibility in the air. that anything could happen and hope still exists for each new day. i can't help but smile while i walk through a world filled with swirling possibilities- the right one might just land on me and allow me to forge a new path through the snow, my footprints the only proof of where i've been.
i find it sad that people forget how magical snow used to be - that underneath that inconvenience is perhaps jack frost's way of saying "slow down, remember, reflect." when i moved to Ottawa i left behind my car and facing an east coast winter is not something i was prepared for. but even when i'm trudging through the snow on my walk to or from work, i feel this sense of possibility in the air. that anything could happen and hope still exists for each new day. i can't help but smile while i walk through a world filled with swirling possibilities- the right one might just land on me and allow me to forge a new path through the snow, my footprints the only proof of where i've been.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
There Will Be Blood....Again....And Again
So i started this blog with the best of intentions and fell off the wagon sooner then i had planned. It's easy to write about the things going on around you, to write about your friends....to make up fiction. But when it comes to writing about yourself there's a bit of an obstacle course to navigate before you are able to commit your life to writing.
Talking about life is easy but once you write it down you can't alter the events in the same way as you do when you tell the story to different people. You can't manipulate the words you use and change the emphasis, the tone, the intention. Once it's written, there are still multiple readings people can take from it - but now you lack some of the control over what meaning they extract. You can no longer paint yourself in a better light based on the reactions of a previous telling, in order to bend people to your side when you just really need that support. But we can't revise our lives once they are set in motion - what happens, happens and the pages keep turning but the existing chapters don't disappear....sometimes if we're lucky they fade from the forefront of people's minds. Sometimes the fading fingerprints on our own minds are enough.
I dwell on things. i hate that i do it and i know that i do it, but it doesn't make it any easier to stop. even after some of the events of an incident have started to become fuzzy, i still focus on what i said and did and how maybe it was my fault and maybe it could have gone better or i could have tried harder - then i beat myself up mentally over things that maybe i could have done better. it's exhausting
It still bugs me that a friendship i treasured, up until 5 years ago, no longer exists. First it was hurt that stopped me from being the bigger person - i felt like i had already tried so much and that maybe i just cared more about the friendship than she did - Then it was pride that stopped me from relighting the candle and now i just wish things were different. unless perhaps it was just meant to happen. i mean i like the idea of fate - that everything happens for a reason, to help push us along to our ultimate destinations. but i also think that the choices we make alter our fate...i'm a web of contradictions. My mind cycles around and around the same issue and all i'm left with is a ring embedded in the ground - a path well-traveled but not fully understood or explored.
i don't let fingerprints fade.....the sting of the past implants itself. it's kind of like a sore that never completely heals, just scabs over until something triggers the wound to reopen and bleed once again.
Talking about life is easy but once you write it down you can't alter the events in the same way as you do when you tell the story to different people. You can't manipulate the words you use and change the emphasis, the tone, the intention. Once it's written, there are still multiple readings people can take from it - but now you lack some of the control over what meaning they extract. You can no longer paint yourself in a better light based on the reactions of a previous telling, in order to bend people to your side when you just really need that support. But we can't revise our lives once they are set in motion - what happens, happens and the pages keep turning but the existing chapters don't disappear....sometimes if we're lucky they fade from the forefront of people's minds. Sometimes the fading fingerprints on our own minds are enough.
I dwell on things. i hate that i do it and i know that i do it, but it doesn't make it any easier to stop. even after some of the events of an incident have started to become fuzzy, i still focus on what i said and did and how maybe it was my fault and maybe it could have gone better or i could have tried harder - then i beat myself up mentally over things that maybe i could have done better. it's exhausting
It still bugs me that a friendship i treasured, up until 5 years ago, no longer exists. First it was hurt that stopped me from being the bigger person - i felt like i had already tried so much and that maybe i just cared more about the friendship than she did - Then it was pride that stopped me from relighting the candle and now i just wish things were different. unless perhaps it was just meant to happen. i mean i like the idea of fate - that everything happens for a reason, to help push us along to our ultimate destinations. but i also think that the choices we make alter our fate...i'm a web of contradictions. My mind cycles around and around the same issue and all i'm left with is a ring embedded in the ground - a path well-traveled but not fully understood or explored.
i don't let fingerprints fade.....the sting of the past implants itself. it's kind of like a sore that never completely heals, just scabs over until something triggers the wound to reopen and bleed once again.
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