One Lump or Two

My grandma loves tea. When i was a little girl, i would spend my summers at my grandma's house and every day we would stop and have our own little tea party in the afternoon. mine always had lots of milk and sugar, and hers was always black. it was always Red Rose Orange Pekoe tea. 

As i got older, every time i'd visit grandma we'd have tea. it became one of those things that are comforting because you expect them and because it's predictable. i knew if i was going to grandma's, we'd have tea. i knew if me and grandma went out for lunch or if we were visiting grandpa in the care facility that we would have tea. 

growing up i also had a lot of issues with my stomach and tea was one of the few things that soothed my tummy. 

tea for me is warmth, comfort, a hug, a friend, a loving relationship. it's something that lifts me up on a bad day, that warms me when it's cold out, that makes me feel better when i'm sick and that allows me to catch up with those i love most. 

on Sunday i hosted a tea party for my nearest and dearest ladies. we all got dressed up in our "Sunday best" - big hats, pearls, pretty dresses, lacy gloves - and gathered at a bakery cafe near my home that holds high tea. i picked friends from different circles and tried to meld them together. anyone who has attempted this before knows that it doesn't always work. 

i've felt a bit at a loss with my friends as of late. my closest are all entering, or are in, a different stage of life (having babies, marriage) than i am. P told me a few months ago that she was pregnant and since then i've kind of felt like my besties are leaving me behind. here they are developing these amazing familial connections and creating homes for themselves and all i've got is a career. a career doesn't hold you at the end of the day or celebrate those little victories with you. B was the only one who i told that i felt that way - i didn't want to make the ladies feel bad or have to listen to comments about me being so young and there being so much time.

as such i've really started to gravitate towards my downtown life and my downtown friends (DTFs) who, like me, have careers and little personal lives. i've picked up some of the roots i had let settle with my besties and put down some new ones with the DTFs.

i guess i hoped that the tea party would show me that my two worlds aren't as far apart as i had imagined, and as they connected and grew to know one another over a pot of that magical healing tea, that I would feel like i belonged in both worlds and that there was a middleground.

instead, i sat in the middle of the group feeling that separation more than ever as i bounced back and forth between conversations that hardly ever crossed over, wondering if everyone was in fact enjoying themselves or if they were just putting on a show to spare my feelings. 

maybe the worlds don't have to cross over. maybe i can be navigate both individually. but sometimes i just feel so disjointed and these days i just feel lost without a map and without someone to help me find the way. 

time to put on a pot of tea.