Romantic Comedy Monologues

My heart hurts.

i poured my heart out to B a few weeks ago. J and her husband joke that it was my romantic comedy speech - her husband didn't think people actually said things like that. but i guess when you've thought about saying something enough times, when you finally do say it there is a bit of that rom-com moment.

I've had a couple dates these past few weeks and on each of those dates with this perfectly nice guy, i spent the whole time thinking about you and what you were doing and whether we might see each other after....and when my date was done i ended up here with you. you're the person i tell everything to, when i have good news or bad news, or silly news like i ate a piece of pizza, you're the first person i tell. and when i think of things that i want to do, you're the person i want to do them with. And ... i'm so jealous that you had a date with some girl....so jealous...

that's probably not a word for word transcript but it captures the gist of what tumbled out of my mouth as i lay in bed (totally G-rated stuff here folks - we're talking about a guy i've never kissed! minds out of the gutter) next to B, the guy who has become my best friend in the last couple years. the guy who i can't imagine not being a part of my life.

B had expressed feelings for me a few times and i had turned him down...i just never thought about him that way. Then there was this moment at a wedding in March....just a moment where i thought, if you were anyone else, someone who didn't matter to me, i would kiss you right now just to see what it'd be like. suddenly everything changed. it sounds corny but suddenly everything was different. his touch felt different, tingly like a soft breeze blowing unexpectedly across my skin, awakening all my senses. spending time with him and his family felt more like i was part of that family.

i started trying to figure things out. i hadn't mentioned anything because i didn't want to say anything if i didnt' understand how i felt. did i like B? how had i gone from never thinking about kissing someone to suddenly imagining all sorts of possibilities? i didn't want to jeopardize the friendship that had grown so near and dear to my heart that it had entwined itself around each vessel and artery, growing alongside and over past scars, creating its own place.

then suddenly there was this girl. no one in particular, just a girl.

and the scars around my heart pulsed and recoiled as they remembered the person who for six years had formerly held B's place, the person who i had tried to confess my feelings to but chickened out and suddenly this girl was there and still is there. the person who slowly stopped talking to me.....who i once called my favorite and who now i only know through Facebook....

so i poured out my heart....partially panicked at the thought of losing my best friend, partially at the thought of potentially building new scars and partially panicked because i have a tendency of keeping my real feelings concealed knowing that being a maneater is easier than being someone who feels.

i was told he still liked me but that he didn't want a relationship right now and you're a relationship girl. the girl who hasn't called someone her boyfriend in 5 years is a relationship girl..

two weeks later. he chose her.

two weeks later and things are different.

two weeks later and texts don't get returned.

two weeks later and my heart hurts.