Holiday Magic

Like so many others, i love Christmastime. There's something about December:

• The air feels different on my skin; it almost seems to buzz and sparkle. 
• People are nicer and that inherent goodness, that i believe all people have seems to shine through more often.
• There are Starbucks red cups to be bought, baked goods to eat, parties to revel at  and decorations to admire.
• Although we generally don't get snow over here on the West Coast, sometimes we get lucky and have a day of that wonderful magic stuff swirling to the ground. Snow always makes me feel like anything is possible; and,
• The movies are filled with feel-good spirit and even though you might know the outcome because they all seem to follow a similar formula, you still can't wait for it to happen and it still makes you rejoice and brings you to tears.

All of those above points are part (only a small sample) of that special holiday magic that make this season so wonderful. 

last night, in the spirit of holiday magic, i did something rather silly. i had watched a holiday movie and throughout the movie the main character was learning about different holiday traditions/superstitions from various cultures. One of them related to the Feast of St Thomas, where "if a spinster did all of these things, she would dream of the man she is destined to marry." Now these things involved using a stool to step onto the bed, taking off your shoes while standing on the bed, spinning around three times and then throwing your shoes at the door before settling down to sleep with your feet on the pillow at the head of the bed. Lo' and behold, in the movie this character dreamed of the man she was destined to marry and by the end of the movie they were at the beginning of what looked to be a wonderful romance. 

So i followed suit. after all, what did i have to lose?  

it's so easy to get caught up in the negativity of being single and the trials and tribulations that go along with finding "the one" that we forget to take pleasure in little moments. For me, believing in magic and fairy tales and what-could-bes are important parts of who i am. i have a soft spot for books that take classic fairy tales and reinvent them somehow. it's a reminder that what's old can be made new again, and that the magic contained within the words of those tales is sustained over time - it doesn't weaken, it is reborn with each retelling, each new person who reads it or hears it.  they're your best anecdotes which always solicit a welcome response, wrapped up in a neat package.

So when i found out (thanks Google) that the Feast of St Thomas was last night, December 21, this spinster set out to dream about her destiny. 

Well i can't say i dreamed about "the one," what i did dream was that my condo was on fire and the alarm didn't go off so i almost burned alive. not sure what that one is supposed to tell me....SL thought it could be a hot fireman in my future, S suggested a pyromaniac - a charming pyromaniac, i threw in that maybe it's a brave bystander and J suggested maybe it means i'll die alone in my condo.

If nothing else, it was a good laugh and rather than being a depressing reminder that i'm still not sure where mr. right is, it carried forward that holiday magic as i let myself be a kid again and believe that anything is possible. Let's face it, when we don't know what's around the corner: anything. is. possible.  

Empty Fantasies

Have you ever had those dreams where you're watching yourself carry out a scene, so it's almost as though you're in two places at once: you take on both an active and passive role at the same time.

More often than not these days, i feel as though i'm living through that dreamlike state of watching myself live while another me just goes through the motions. It's almost an out of body experience. It doesn't seem to matter where i am or what i'm doing, i constantly feel like i'm not really a part of what's happening, like i've checked out of real life.

i'm out for drinks with the ladies on Friday, something i normally enjoy, but i felt like i was watching them socialize and while i can hear myself participating, it didn't really feel as if i was taking part. it's been like this for months. i thought i would have snapped out of it by now but pinching myself doesn't seem to be waking me up.

I was watching Les Mis with S last month and it got to the part where Eponine is singing about her love for Maurius. It starts off sounding like a beautiful memory of the time they spend together and then she reveals that the love story she's been recanting is something she imagines in her mind. I found myself crying through the song as i realized that's my love life wrapped up in a song. my love life is full of me imagining possibilities but never actually living any of them.

so i've been focusing my energy elsewhere, trying to give myself new meaning, happiness and direction that's just for and from myself.

i made a step forward in the house-hunt this month. after seeing around 30 properties, i finally found one that i could see myself living in. i had always thought finding the place i wanted to live in would be like when those brides on tv find *the* wedding dress: everything would feel instantly right, a sense of calm would come over me and then excitement and i'd be ready to dive head first. instead in classic me-fashion, i completely freaked out and it took multiple walks in the neighborhood at all times of the day, plus a map (the map really did it for me) defining how long it would take me to walk to different areas of the city to convince me to put in an offer.

everyone kept saying to me, "you must be so excited" and i just kept reaffirming that subjects weren't removed yet and i wasn't getting excited until it was for sure. despite myself, i got a little excited and started decorating "my new condo" in my mind. in my head i could see my daily routines playing out, where i would place things, where i would entertain. Then the day we were supposed to remove subjects some items came up and after the seller refused to extend subjects by a week to allow me to get the results from their AGM, the deal folded and my hopes and fantasies of life in my new condo lay shattered on the ground amidst protests from me telling everyone "i'm fine and don't care."

i'm isolating myself from my friends because i don't want to have to talk about any of it with them and have them feel sorry for me or have to hear the pity in their voices as they say "aww honey."  Not to mention i feel like i have nothing in common with my close friends any more  who are busy with their husbands and kids.

the truth is i'm so frustrated with everything. i feel like nothing is happening in my life right now. i thought starting the new role at work would make me feel better, like i was doing something new or could focus on something other than obsessing over made up scenarios i keep playing over and over in my head.

i feel lost and lonely and like a failure - and that last one is something i haven't had to feel like often (being a perfectionist) and it's the worst part of it all. i'm failing at interpersonal relationships - romantic or otherwise - and i have no control over the situation. i want to stop feeling like i have to imagine things in order to find happiness and instead just live and be happy.

Spring Cleaning

i'm a pack rat. Now, i'm not hoarder bad - i'm not about to make my reality show debut - but i do tend to keep a lot of things if they have even the slightest sentimental value....downside is i'm pretty sentimental and find small meaning in many things.

Last weekend i decided that i needed to start going through my stuff and getting rid of what i can. I'm apartment hunting, and i figured it'd be easier to deal with the years of accumulated stuff now rather than later. The problem with someone who has moved once in her life is that i have A LOT of stuff. You tend to hold on to things you normally wouldn't simply because you've always had it.

Point A: I have at least 20 copies of Twist magazine. I don't think they make Twist magazine anymore, but when i was in high school that was my magazine of choice. For some reason, i've felt like it was a good idea to keep them. it made sense when i was still in high school and the articles were relevant; and it made sense when i used to cut things out of the magazines to use for other projects.....but why do i need these magazines now? i'm not sure. I still have a problem with getting rid of magazines, just Canadian Living seems to have taken Twist's place. Needless to say, i said goodbye to Twist.

Point B: I've reaffirmed that i'm vain, although i think it was more about my own insecurities and needing to be perfect. I have kept certificates for everything you can imagine, including when i was named Student of the Day four times in Grade 5. I also found 3 complete acceptance packages from the universities i applied to. It was satisfying knowing they all wanted me. i found graded work from various teachers - most with perfect scores. While i couldn't bring myself to get rid of absolutely everything in this category, i got rid of most of it and only kept a few essentials.

Point C: cards for every occasion - i can't get rid of them. i feel like someone took the time to pick it out, write a thoughtful message and greet me on a special day with it - how can i throw that away? plus, when i was in grade 5, i read this book called The Secret of the Cards and in it a girl found a box of old cards in the window seat and with it the spirit of a girl who owned them. i started keeping a box of cards in my closet....i still do. remember that sentimental thing i mentioned earlier. i still can't get rid of them. i don't think they'll make the move with me, but right now My Secret of the Cards lives with the boyfriend boxes in the closet. And no, the boyfriend boxes were not part of the clean up.

While the bf boxes weren't included, i did make a huge step forward.

On my bedside table there has been a picture of me and M from our first weekend away together since 2006. it was a great weekend and the weekend away marked a huge step forward in our relationship. i've never been able to take it down. things (cards from other boys) have stood in front of it at times, but it's never been removed from my bedside table. i wasn't ready to have M gone from my life, even though he has been gone from my life romantically since 2007.

Last weekend, i took it down and put it away. i just don't feel like i need it anymore. i think i've finally moved past it. i'm ready to have that again with someone else and i think taking down the picture means i'm finally giving it a real shot. I want C to take that place and i'm so excited at what's to come for us. scared, yes of course - almost terrified, i haven't opened myself up to someone in so long - but excited because it feels right and good and like diamond sunbursts and marble halls all over again.

Wish You Never Ever Met Her At All

So i'm driving home from work the other day, listening to Virgin Radio and just unwinding from my long day at the office, when Maneater by Nelly Furtado comes on the radio.

Now, way back when, J coined Maneater as my theme song.

Urban Dictionary defines a "maneater" as "The female equivalent to the more male-associated words like pimp or player. An irresistable woman who chews and spits out men after using them for some sort of gain -- be it sexual, financial or psychological."

Now while i will say in my defense that i never used men for any kind of gain, i did receive this title of maneater because i had a tendency to cycle through men very, very.....very quickly. the girls would joke that the guy would just be getting attached and i'd be walking out the door. it's not something i'm proud of - i had strong commitment issues in the beginning and then it just became about being with the right guy, and as soon as i figured out a guy wasn't "the right guy," well....poof be gone (in usually 5 dates or less).

So this song comes on the radio, for the first time in a ridiculously long time, and all i can find myself thinking is it's like a taunt. it felt like i was 13 years old, surrounded by a group of mean girls, taunting me about my past inadequacies in the romance department. in light of the fact that i'm now seeing someone who i'm really excited about, it was more than a little disheartening.

i firmly believe that you shouldn't settle. that those who settle, eventually realize that they have in fact settled which doesn't lead to a happy relationship. i also don't believe in wasting other people's time. when i'm out, and know i'm out, i tell the other person - why lead them on into thinking that you feel the same way they do if you don't. While i think these are great qualities of mine, the downside is i don't always give everyone the best chance and when my emotions do pull out of a situation, they pull out fast and hard like a magician pulling a table cloth off a table without disturbing the glassware on top. these are things i acknowledge as problems and i have been working hard to correct these flaws.

what is comforting, however, is that the few times where i've felt like someone could be "the right guy" - those two downsides haven't played a roll in the downfall. so maybe, just maybe, there's a method to my maneating madness?

Regardless, here i was in my car being taunted by Nelly Furtado and all i could think is, "i'm so glad i'm not that person anymore." That was a new thought for me. Previously the song just made me laugh, think of J and shake my head at myself. But for the first time i really didn't identify with the song at all. i think i've finally managed to shed my maneating skin in recognition of wanting more and believing that maybe i can have more.

Everyone deserves more. it just takes some of us longer to adjust our lives to make more possible.

Let's jump off a roof and fly

Remember when you were a little kid and fear wasn't an issue? Of course you were frightened of things that you would never be frightened of now (monsters under the bed, hands coming out of drawers left open, creepy men that turned you into mannequins if you didn't pay your taxes - recurring childhood nightmare, long story), but you weren't scared of life.

When it came to trying something you new, you dove in headfirst. You didn't think about getting hurt. Instead, you thought about having fun.

As we grow up and get hurt, we lose that fearless attitude. We start constructing barriers around ourselves to prevent that hurt from having damaging consequences. In many cases, this is a good thing. Why don't we jump off a roof? well, we know we can't fly and that we could break something. Why don't we make that snarky comment? well, we know it's going to hurt someone's feelings and that it's not the most polite or adult thing to do in the moment.

But then there are other things that we stop doing because it's ingrained in us that it's not ok to fail. So we stop trying new things that we don't think we're good at. we stop asking questions that might make us appear less bright. We stop doing these things to protect ourselves from being emotionally hurt.

emotional pain is a funny thing because no one else can see the damage, and often, it's our own internal turmoil that keeps it around. We dwell on the little things, we invite it to stay in our guest room and join us for dinner, to tag along on outings - it becomes that house guest that was never really wanted in the first place, but that we can't seem to ask to leave. Eventually, it does, but it leaves behind a reminder that it once stayed in your home - a stain on the rug or a broken vase. We learn to to use the stains and broken glass shards as fortification against future house guests. We slowly build up our walls, our artillery, we get the livery in order and make sure that the moat has a dragon and the drawbridge is always up.

This fortification doesn't work when you're trying to date. it's really hard to meet someone new, when they don't get to meet all of you because the dragon keeps them well outside the interior walls of your castle.

I've definitely had my ups and downs in the dating world. some of those are aired on here. but recently, i met someone who has given me that hope that maybe, just maybe, it could work this time.

I've found myself pulling down the walls, tossing out the ammunition, telling the dragon to get lost and draining the moat. i feel like this time i'm that 19-year-old girl again who used to dive head first into relationships with careless abandon, opening my arms wide and my heart wider, to those around me. i used to have fun and just go with it and let people see all of me - i stopped doing that after M and i broke up. my last official boyfriend.....six long years ago. i decided i never wanted to be hurt like that again, which meant that no one got to know all of me. sometimes they were able to lift themselves to a window, sneaking a peek at what was inside, what i used to be like, but eventually the dragon would fly up there and get them (yes, i have a flying dragon).

this time just feels different. maybe, i'm just ready to let someone in again.... FINALLY. but i have to say, i'm excited and hopeful and scared all at the same time. And boy does it feel good to know that C is seeing ME, the real me. that's not to say that i have forgotten all of the lessons i've learned. i haven't. i have brought all of that wisdom with me. but i've also brought an open heart which i think means a solid chance at maybe finding someone to walk through life with me.

Sweater Unraveled

I think i've lost bestie B. this year was the first New Year's Eve Eve that i didn't spend with him in the last 3 years. it's sad. it's heartbreakingly sad that i don't know if he'll be in my 2013. i feel like there is a little hole that was created when things started falling apart, like a pesky hole in a knit sweater, and now everything has unraveled so much (despite me trying to patch things up) that i don't think there's much of a sweater left.

he used to be my first person to call and now i find myself stopping and thinking whether i should or not and then usually choosing the no option. sometimes i feel like maybe there's a light that i can pick up some of the fallen stitches and put them back on my knitting needles and cast on a few more...but they too fall off.

I had a moment of panic on Boxing Day where i thought someone was in my house (one of the most terrifying feelings ever) and B is the only friend i have who lives close enough to come check the house with me....i couldn't call him. i needed my friend so badly and i couldn't call him.

i had a really low night just before christmas - there's been some family drama - and in the midst of a good cry i tried to pour out my heart to B, with no response. thought i was back in his good graces when i got an early morning Merry Christmas on Christmas day, but when i tried to invite him to do something fun for a catch up i was back to no response.

when do i stop trying?

i've written off "friends" who don't put in the effort in the past, but for some reason i just can't write off B. no, that's not right, i don't want to write off B. i miss him. i feel lost without him in my life, like something is just not quite right. i miss laughing  with him and having his endless positivity in my life. i hate wanting to tell him everything and feeling like i can't even say "Hi" anymore. And, i can't help but feel that it's my fault, that i should never have opened my mouth in July, that i should have just ignored my jealousy and kept my amazing friend B as he was - as my friend who as far as he knew, i had no feelings for.

but now, i'm just willing to sacrifice any stupid feelings, if i could just have my friend back. i want to put my big comfy sweater back on. The one i've worn so many times before and fits perfectly and where i know every stretched out portion, every repaired hole and faded sleeve. that sweater that is perfect for me despite the flaws, or maybe it's the imperfections that make it perfect for me.

I just want B.