Missed Opportunities

have you ever had a dream about a coworker? awkward isn't it? especially when you see them the next day at work and just the sound of their voice or someone mentioning their name makes you turn red (i'm a redhead remember, it seems as though redheads embrace all forms of red on any part of their bodies, esp the face and when embarrassed and any skin showing when it's sunny).

but back to the point of my post. last night i had a dream about one of my coworkers, a not so PG 13 type dream. the odd thing is that i've never thought about him in that way before...and now it's all i can think about.

it's kind of like when someone puts an idea in your head, that maybe you've never considered, and suddenly it seems as though it could be a possibility.

i've been working this job for about 2 months now and i love it. i'm doing media relations and i'm the media contact for a group of 7 teams who work across the province. it's been a great opportunity to learn some managing styles as well as developing my own way of organizing an deploying media for the teams. we've been pretty successful so far this summer and i'm hoping that will be a theme that carries on. the problem is this is only a co-op position so it's done at the end of August.

a couple people who work in the office suggested that i make a pitch for keeping my position. basically demonstrate the need for it to be a full time position and show the difference their media has had this summer compared to last summer.

the thing is it really depends on budget. my position used to be full time and then media relations swallowed it up and made it a summer co-op position instead. so i'm not sure whether to pursue it but i can't get it out of my head.

deciding whether to pursue things can be difficult if you have something to lose. my friend T is another thing i can't get out of my head. i've known him since i started university 6 years ago and he's become one of my best friends - a friendship that has survived both of us relocating at different points. both of us have expressed interest in each other at different points but our timing has always been terrible. either i was dating someone or he was, or we were getting over other people, or not living in BC. there's always that lingering "what if?"...for me anyways.

the difficulty in deciding whether to pursue anything more than friendship with him comes down to if it didn't work, would i lose my friend. i don't know if i'm willing to take that risk. we do have a pact however that if we hit 35 and we're both still single we're getting married - it was originally 40 but we both want kids. this pact surfaced because we're both hopeless when it comes to dating.

but while with T i might lose a friend, with this job i guess i have nothing to lose since it's scheduled to end in August anyway. so maybe i should suck it up and work on my proposal.

Hot Commodity

Yea you read the title correctly.

I was informed by my girlfriend J that I am now considered a hot commodity in that particular circle of friends.

of course this posed the question of why to tumble out of my mouth. (i'm sure a very confused look was also painted on my face).

You see this particular circle is my group of married friends and this past weekend I found out 2 of them are pregnant. So now, not only are they all married they are also moving in to baby land - 2 places i am no where near.

But yes J informed me that I am now considered a hot commodity because i am the only single person all of them know.

How did this come to be realized you might wonder. Well whenever a single friend of the husband happens to be over the question of "so do you have any single friends?" surfaces. After some pondering the group's token redhead (ahem, me) took centre stage.

Now i've always liked playing the lead BUT the cherry on top of this great big sundae of delight?

I only know the rest of the group through J - i'm their friend by extension. This means that their "real" friends are ALL attached. They have literally had to grasp at straws to come up with a single friend.

That's right, hot commodity RIGHT HERE!

*le sigh*

Doormat: Tread Lightly

I can probably be blamed for all the rain the lower mainland will be getting for the remainder of June. I woke up this morning to a washing machine full of baby spiders. needless to say, i didn't let them enjoy their new home. they've since been relocated to the vacuum filter - not quite as roomy, but definitely dryer (haha no pun intended).

they really are the most creepy crawly of the creatures. there is never just one, never. they travel in packs and i think their sole purpose is to give me the heebie jeebies. As i vacuumed them all up, making darn well sure that nozzle got in every crook and cranny, I couldn't help but think of Charlotte. You know Charlotte right? Charlotte the spider from a little book called Charlotte's Web? well you should.

i couldn't help feel a little bit guilty as i disposed of the creatures preventing me from washing my clothes - maybe it was the universe's way of telling me i should be hand washing them? i did hang most of them to dry if that's any consolation.

it's that same feeling i get when i avert my eyes from strangers on the skytrain, or from homeless on the street. it's the reason i can't say no to kids collecting donations and why i beat myself up over declining when an adult asks me.

guilt eats at me like an ant on a lollipop even when i am really doing what i want and what i think is best for me; if it means depriving someone else of what they desire/need my insides writhe with agitation. so more often than not, i'll do what others want just to keep that feeling at bay.

my "friend" C constantly asks me to do things last minute. he knows that's one of my pet peeves but he still refuses to actually make the effort to plan something. to top it off, regardless of what time the last minute planning occurs, he expects me to drive out to meet him.if i make the suggestion first that he should come out my way, well let's just say it's suddenly not a convenient evening to hang out. this occurred the other night. after he insulted me i told him he was an ass and if he wanted to hang out he should come over. he obviously didn't and i spent the next hour justifying my actions to myself.

i'm waiting for the day that doing things for me will leave me feeling empowered, more confident, sure of who i am and what i stand for (and won't stand for).

maybe the spiders were a push.

maybe this was the universe's way of saying suck it up princess, you can't please 'em all.

Misleading Mishaps

I hate Minis...

now i don't mean mini chocolate bars, those are pretty awesome. i like mini ice cream treats as well mostly because they are just the right portion size for my moderately lactose intolerant tummy. i'm talking about mini coopers. you know those really tiny cars that BMW makes?

why you might ask? why do i hate the adorable little car that Austin Powers drives? because they are deceptive automobiles.

I just know that this has happened to you before too. You're driving through a crowded parking lot and there, right ahead, you see it - an empty spot. It's in a prime location too, always close to the door to wherever you need to be. Grinning from ear to ear, you race towards the parking spot, passing perfectly adequate spots along the way all because they are simply too far, and then you reach it and begin to turn your wheel... and that's when you realize it's not an empty spot at all, a god damn Mini is in it.

I hate being deceived, led on, teased. In fact, one of my number 1 pet peeves is people who bail on plans. I am a total planner and so when people agree to do something with me, i expect them to follow through. Now of course i'm not completely unreasonable, shit happens and sometimes things need to be rescheduled. But i'm talking about that one friend that we all have who consistently breaks plans. You can pretty much make a back-up plan every time and intend to follow through on plan 2, without double-booking yourself in the end.

I have friends who claim that if you don't plan/look forward to things, you can't be disappointed and so I shouldn't put so much emphasis on things that may or may not happen. But when you agree to do something, that's giving your word that you will, and when you continuously disregard that your word means less and less. Eventually, you'll reach a point where your existence is meaningless just like your words and actions.

i hate losing trust in people because it reminds me that not everybody is worth the time and effort and i like to think that everyone is, to someone at least.

i *might* have another contention with minis. perhaps. maybe slightly.

Driving up to campus one day I parked beside a mini cooper (an amazing parking spot i must add), it was a light blue one to be precise. Feeling triumphant i proceeded to my class with a big smile on my face, enjoying the sunshine as i strolled complacently. After my class i looked out on the parking lot, spotted my light blue mini friend and walked straight for it. And there, right beside my little bug (hmm...best not mix VWs with BMWs) was an empty parking spot.

now, i know you must be thinking "is she actually blaming the mini for her car getting stolen?!" and no i am not.

Thinking i had misjudged how close i had parked to the mini i kept walking, and walking AND walking. Finally i realized that my amazing parking spot would not be way the hell back here and turned around until i ended back at the empty parking spot. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, as i pondered what to do. i decided to walk back to the school and rationally think out a game plan. On my way back I suddenly came upon another mini cooper, light blue, in an amazing spot super close to the building. Beside it...my car.

even when there is a spot available the little bastards screw me anyway.