Doormat: Tread Lightly

I can probably be blamed for all the rain the lower mainland will be getting for the remainder of June. I woke up this morning to a washing machine full of baby spiders. needless to say, i didn't let them enjoy their new home. they've since been relocated to the vacuum filter - not quite as roomy, but definitely dryer (haha no pun intended).

they really are the most creepy crawly of the creatures. there is never just one, never. they travel in packs and i think their sole purpose is to give me the heebie jeebies. As i vacuumed them all up, making darn well sure that nozzle got in every crook and cranny, I couldn't help but think of Charlotte. You know Charlotte right? Charlotte the spider from a little book called Charlotte's Web? well you should.

i couldn't help feel a little bit guilty as i disposed of the creatures preventing me from washing my clothes - maybe it was the universe's way of telling me i should be hand washing them? i did hang most of them to dry if that's any consolation.

it's that same feeling i get when i avert my eyes from strangers on the skytrain, or from homeless on the street. it's the reason i can't say no to kids collecting donations and why i beat myself up over declining when an adult asks me.

guilt eats at me like an ant on a lollipop even when i am really doing what i want and what i think is best for me; if it means depriving someone else of what they desire/need my insides writhe with agitation. so more often than not, i'll do what others want just to keep that feeling at bay.

my "friend" C constantly asks me to do things last minute. he knows that's one of my pet peeves but he still refuses to actually make the effort to plan something. to top it off, regardless of what time the last minute planning occurs, he expects me to drive out to meet him.if i make the suggestion first that he should come out my way, well let's just say it's suddenly not a convenient evening to hang out. this occurred the other night. after he insulted me i told him he was an ass and if he wanted to hang out he should come over. he obviously didn't and i spent the next hour justifying my actions to myself.

i'm waiting for the day that doing things for me will leave me feeling empowered, more confident, sure of who i am and what i stand for (and won't stand for).

maybe the spiders were a push.

maybe this was the universe's way of saying suck it up princess, you can't please 'em all.