May the Name be with You

My girlfriend is pregnant and was informed at her ultra sound the other day that she will be having a boy!

we're all so very excited. i'm experiencing crazy baby fever right now so i can't wait to kidnap her little bundle of joy....yes i said kidnap...it's a problem i'm working on it...

We were on the discussion of names today and apparently she suggested to her boyfriend that she pick the first name and he can pick the middle name. After cycling through millions of names that D rejected continuously, K threw out a different suggestion

K: How about Lucas?
D: Lucas...i like that
K: Maybe Lucas Charlie - Charlie after my dad?
D: no, Lucas Skywalker
K: you're kidding right?
D: nope *pats belly* hello little Lucas Skywalker

K was amused at first ( I think it's hilarious personally) but it became increasingly clear that D wasn't kidding so much.

She brought it up at work with a couple of her male co-workers who thought it was "pretty cool." One suggested that maybe they could name baby Lucas Anakin...little less out there but still holding on to the Star Wars theme. K brought that up with D and he turned it down.

His reasoning?

Anakin was evil....our baby isn't evil.

I'm a Little More Country than That

I love country music. Most people I meet don't see me as a country-lover they usually guess some version of pop - my tendency to have a sugary sweet disposition might have something to do with that assumption.

But to me country music feels like home. I often say that it's music you can feel, I mean REALLY feel. there's so much emotion packed into every song and even the silly ones are just so feel good that they fill you with an emotion all the same.

They make me yearn for small town life and strong community and family values.

I was in Chapters this afternoon (side note: having the day off is great....less fun when no one else does though) and i stumbled across a Melissa Gilbert biography. For those who don't know Melissa Gilbert played Laura Ingalls in Little House on the Prairie.

I must have seen every episode of that show multiple times. Not every episode was my favorite - generally if it circled around another family in the town and there was little to no interaction with the Ingalls than I wasn't all that interested - and there were some that scared the bejeezus out of me (remember the one where the black smith rapes Albert's girlfriend wearing that white mask?) and ones that broke my heart (Mary going blind, the blind school burning down, the final episode when they blew up the town).

I was also enamored by the writing of LM Montgomery and tales in Road to Avonlea as well as her world-renowned Anne of Green Gables series (my personal favorite).

I think it's the extreme strength that all of these families possess which draws me towards them even today. Even though the Ingalls family faced the gamut of hardships over the course of the show's run, the overarching theme that with family you will make it through never wavered. I'm attracted to this idyllic view of families, mostly because i dont' think that it has to be merely an idyllic fantasy. These families all have their problems and they don't always agree but they always come back to one another.

Much of that comes down to tradition I think and I know I have expressed a lacking in family tradition within my genetic pool before, but it's a recurring concern of mine that I want to make sure I change when I finally have a family of my own. I want my own Little House in Vancouver to have that much love, to live in a community like Avonlea where every person matters and to create a family where maybe there wasn't one before just like Anne.

And so I listen to country music and grasp at the country roots that will be....

Planning for A Future

“Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans” ~ John Lennon


I'm a compulsive planner. I have plans for a whole range of things in my personal life. I could tell you about my 4 children - 2 boys and 2 girls - their names Isabella, Evelyn, Sawyer and Connor. I could tell you about the nursery i made for the girls - sweet pea green walls with a white chair runner and varying shades of pink vertical stripes below the chair runner. But they don't exist....


My bridesmaids are going to wear yellow silk dresses with a cowl back. My flowers will be lilies - i'm a big fan of stargazer lilies. My centrepieces are going to be large martini glasses with those hydra beads in them and cascading flowers and an led light inside the glass, all on top of a circular mirror to reflect the light onto the whole table. But i'm not engaged....or even in a relationship.

I have a compulsion to know what is going to happen - to try and plan for everything, even those things over which I have little control. I think this is one of the things that drew me to drama and the theatre. Now i'm not talking about improvisational theatre - that i have never been a fan of. I don't like being put on the spot and the pressure to be funny makes me less funny than i usually am. I'm talking about being in a play.


Everything is so perfectly planned when getting ready for a performance. Entrances and exits are timed to a T. Each person knows their lines and if one should forget then everyone else knows where we need to be to get that person back on track. This is possible because we already know the ending and the journey, no matter what bumps happen when the curtain rises, is always going to end in the same way. it lends a sense of security that is so often missing from the real world.


Now for someone who is such a planner you might be wondering then why does she have that running problem....I'm not really sure about that myself.


I can plan for the future but planning a specific future with someone is a lot harder - probably because I can't control their actions.


I recently found myself in a relationship and I was actually planning for the two of us. That is something i haven't done with another person since somewhere back in 2006 when the world crumbled around me.


And for the first time, in so long, it wasn't me that prevented the planning. I was ok with it, strangely ok with it. My girlfriends were scratching their heads at my odd ease with this relationship i had stumbled into.


I know that i plan far far.....far ahead because it's safe. It doesn't impact anything right now and they really are just pipe dreams - possibilities - a girl's fairytale hopes. The details change all the time and i am in complete control of every one of those changes....but it's not as satisfying as it once was.


I think i'm finally in a place where i want to plan a future with someone and I don't want those plans to solely exist as moments within my imagination. I think i need more..


I think i'm finally growing up...and while i'm so happy that i'm ready for all of that again, i find myself a little bit sad that it's not as easy to keep my mind content by merely imagining the details of my future home out in the 'burbs.

The Urge to Run

I think i've sabotaged a lot of potential relationships in the last two years. i tell myself that i'm just saving myself from wasting my time and so as soon as i see something i dislike, i walk away. I can admit i'm picky, that i have high standards for myself and for the people i am friends with and the people who i date...but i don't easily admit that i'm scared.

i can admit that homeless people freak me out. That sick people make me nervous, the smell of a hospital or care facility can almost instantly bring tears to my eyes. I'm terrified of drowning and can't swim. I'm scared of failure and being a disappointment, of letting other people down - of letting myself down. I'm scared of dying a terrible death.

i have no problem telling others those fears. but when it comes to being in a relationship that could potentially get serious, i'm terrified of getting burned. i didn't always feel that way - i would give everything right up front and take what life handed me. Then i fell in love and got tossed aside by someone who feared commitment more than anything else.

looking back on some of the reasons i've broken up with people in the last 2 years i can see that i've turned into that commitment-phobe who left me a tangled mess for a long time. the knots haven't untied yet and that web of uncertainty surrounds me now. so i put up a shield and only let a few people in.

OR

I try and be open and i get excited and then they throw a bunch at me all at once and i panic and bolt for the nearest exit with one of my handy excuses at the ready - he's too feminine, more of a woman that i am - he has social skill issues - he reminds me of my father - he's insecure - he couldn't admit fault or when he was wrong - he suffocated me - he didn't give me THAT feeling.......

so now i'm scared that i'm going to sabotage everything that comes my way. do i tell potentials this? do i say - "hey i need to take things slow and you need to give me time because all i want to do is run as fast as i can so that i don't become that crumpled body on the bathroom floor again"

I've turned to internet dating - those i have told (because let's face it there is a certain stigma attached to it) tell me that i shouldnt' have to do that. but i figure since i'm not living in BC right now it might be a different opportunity for getting to know someone back home seeing as i can't actually meet anyone until i finish my contract. so i've been talking with two people on a consistent basis. one of them we've progressed to phone calls and actually randomly share friends - one of my best friend's bf in fact. but i'm scared to meet him and not because i met him online. but because i'm worried that i'm going to do what i always do and not give him a chance.

i'm not getting my hopes up about this one, i try not to think about it at all unless we're talking at that moment - i figure if i make it seem like it's no big deal maybe i will relax and take it as it comes like i used to. but it just feels like there is so much pressure to do it right.

my girlfriend calls me the Maneater and has been trying to set me up with every single guy she knows - her husband is now doing the same. yes i said husband....oh did i mention i'm pretty much the only single one out of my friends....one of my customers at the last place i worked informed me he has someone he wants to set me up with....some people i met on the weekend for the first time, one of them has someone they want to set me up with ----- first time i meet them, i don't even speak french very well so was practically a mute during the meeting and yet they are already trying to set me up.

do i have a NEED A MAN sign stuck to my back that i can't see????

do i want a relationship? YES i'm tired of dating. BUT i just can't seem to do it right or i just pine over the people that i can't have and either way i end up crumpled on the bathroom floor....

So everyday i fight the urge to run and some days i don't fight.

I just run.

Perfectly Pouted and Polished....

“How did it happen that their lips came together? How does it happen that birds sing, that snow melts, that the rose unfolds, that the dawn whitens behind the stark shapes of trees on the quivering summit of the hill? A kiss, and all was said.”

so much can be said when two lips touch - a million messages pass into your head the moment contact is made. people always say that you can tell if a person is for you when you have that first kiss... it sounds too fairytale-esque; it seems so very much like cinderella or the frog prince, where that fit is "just right." we all scoff at the idea but deep down we all know it's grounded in truth.

i can't how many times that one kiss just changed everything. sometimes it was followed by a feeling of relief and the anticipation of a future full of kisses just as perfect. in that kiss a million promises unfurled before me - the promises that young girls are fed from infancy. Promises that one day our prince will come, one day we'll ride off into the sunset, one day there will be diamond sunbursts and marble halls and most importantly, one day someone will love you with all their heart.

but of course there are also those kisses that tell you that this will never work and even when you tell yourself that a kiss is a silly reason to let go of someone you barely know...holding on gets you nowhere.

the problem is that when you have the chance of falling on either side of the fence, it can deter you from making that move for fear that the lips will tell you everything you need to know. when you anticipate that first kiss and it's a let down, it hurts the heart a little. you begin to wonder if those lips will ever whisper the right words.

there is a person i've wanted to kiss - just because i've been brainwashed to believe that that one kiss is going to tell me whether that person is my person. but i can't bring myself to do it, no matter how i feel - there are other circumstances that deter me, such as the worst timing in the world - i just don't want to risk falling on the wrong side of the fence with that ruling that the lips have spoken.

Swirling White Possibilties

I love snow. On the west coast we certainly don't get a lot of it, so when do it's magical. Growing up when it snowed it was like life as we knew it was over. everything would stop. in elementary school all eyes would be glued to the window - everyone in awe. there was the possibility of there being enough snow to make a snowman or an igloo. there was the chance of a snowball fight and of sledding. and of course there was always the possibility of that elusive snow day. today the world still stops except that the eyes looking out the window are filled with dread at thoughts of how people are going to get home or get to work. reports of snow cause grumbles and a white christmas is no longer looked forward to or hoped for by the adult crowd.

i find it sad that people forget how magical snow used to be - that underneath that inconvenience is perhaps jack frost's way of saying "slow down, remember, reflect." when i moved to Ottawa i left behind my car and facing an east coast winter is not something i was prepared for. but even when i'm trudging through the snow on my walk to or from work, i feel this sense of possibility in the air. that anything could happen and hope still exists for each new day. i can't help but smile while i walk through a world filled with swirling possibilities- the right one might just land on me and allow me to forge a new path through the snow, my footprints the only proof of where i've been.

There Will Be Blood....Again....And Again

So i started this blog with the best of intentions and fell off the wagon sooner then i had planned. It's easy to write about the things going on around you, to write about your friends....to make up fiction. But when it comes to writing about yourself there's a bit of an obstacle course to navigate before you are able to commit your life to writing.

Talking about life is easy but once you write it down you can't alter the events in the same way as you do when you tell the story to different people. You can't manipulate the words you use and change the emphasis, the tone, the intention. Once it's written, there are still multiple readings people can take from it - but now you lack some of the control over what meaning they extract. You can no longer paint yourself in a better light based on the reactions of a previous telling, in order to bend people to your side when you just really need that support. But we can't revise our lives once they are set in motion - what happens, happens and the pages keep turning but the existing chapters don't disappear....sometimes if we're lucky they fade from the forefront of people's minds. Sometimes the fading fingerprints on our own minds are enough.

I dwell on things. i hate that i do it and i know that i do it, but it doesn't make it any easier to stop. even after some of the events of an incident have started to become fuzzy, i still focus on what i said and did and how maybe it was my fault and maybe it could have gone better or i could have tried harder - then i beat myself up mentally over things that maybe i could have done better. it's exhausting

It still bugs me that a friendship i treasured, up until 5 years ago, no longer exists. First it was hurt that stopped me from being the bigger person - i felt like i had already tried so much and that maybe i just cared more about the friendship than she did - Then it was pride that stopped me from relighting the candle and now i just wish things were different. unless perhaps it was just meant to happen. i mean i like the idea of fate - that everything happens for a reason, to help push us along to our ultimate destinations. but i also think that the choices we make alter our fate...i'm a web of contradictions. My mind cycles around and around the same issue and all i'm left with is a ring embedded in the ground - a path well-traveled but not fully understood or explored.

i don't let fingerprints fade.....the sting of the past implants itself. it's kind of like a sore that never completely heals, just scabs over until something triggers the wound to reopen and bleed once again.