A Gentle Yearning

I spent my Friday night at my old high school watching this year's school play, John Lennon and Me. I was very active in the theatre department of my high school. I took part in every school play and since graduating, 6 years ago, I have been back to see every play that has been put on. I'm still in contact with one of my former acting teachers and she always makes sure I catch wind of any productions going on.

It's always kind of bittersweet going back to watch. On the one hand it's fun being on the receiving end of the entertainment and getting to check out what the kids are doing, visit with people I might not have seen for a while and just enjoy being back in the high school that was my home for 5 years.

On the other, i can't help but feel saddened that i'm not up there with them because I never continued acting after high school. I can remember that when I walked across the stage at graduation, one of the teachers read out my farewell line and it was something about seeing me on the big screen one day. I literally had stars in my eyes...then i got practical and chose a couple majors that i could create a more stable career out of. So stepping back into that tiny theatre where I spent countless evenings running lines, laughing, sometimes crying but always creating my most treasured memories of high school, I can't help but feel such a strong sense of longing for that feeling I used to have when on that little stage.

I attended the play with one of my former co-stars N. he played lead opposite me when we were 16 and performed Village of Idiots. I can't remember many lines from that play, not like my very first in elementary school ("We could have a Christmas tree, with lights shining lights") or my first high school play (Our Town), but that Village of Idiots holds all my feeling.

There was one scene where Yosef (N's character) has finally proven to me that he truly is a good man and I fall in love with him. I have to stare at him with a look of longing, of desire and hope, for it must have been about 10 min (which seems a lot longer when you're on stage). After one of the performances I got told that our vice principal had told my acting teacher that he couldn't believe i could hold that look for so long without breaking character.

at the time i thought that just meant i was a good actor, but now i think it's just because that look came so naturally to me. i think it's one that comes naturally to most high school students.

high school really is that place where longing is part of your every day experience. you long to belong, to do well, to get that part or to meet that guy. you long for high school to end and then when it does, you long for days to be as simple as they used to be.

our lives are so often characterized by longing for what we don't have that we sometimes forget what we do have. and while i don't think that i will ever stop longing for other experiences or for the future to get here faster or even for the past to be more real than a memory, i do need to learn to appreciate life in the moment a little bit more.

John Lennon and Me reminded me how short life truly is not only because the main character has CF or because the other main character dies at13. But also because I didn't recognize one kid on that stage and not one teacher in that audience, aside from Ms. K, knew who i was anymore. We're here, we live for but a moment and then we're gone leaving only that mark, an imprint, on a few people before we carry on into something bigger.

maybe if we live more in the moment and less on the longing we'll touch just one more person and extend the memory and the impact of our life just a wee bit further.

Angry Tummy Alert

My tummy is so not happy right now. It's my fault really, I had to have my venti chai latte from Starbucks. Should have gone with the soy milk though....you'd think i would learn.

I'm somewhat lactose intolerant, can't eat spicy foods, can't handle a lot of caffeine, alcohol is tough on me too. to top it off, stress or being upset means my stomach pretty much wants to eat itself. When i moved to Ottawa last year i had about a month of the monster in my gut....really was unfortunate for my roommate although he had enough strange quirks that me hogging the upstairs bathroom almost balanced out in the end.

random note about strange roommate: you know he only went grocery shopping the first week we lived there together. he bought a case of Kraft Dinner but only for the noodles - he didn't like the "cheese" powder that came with it. when i asked why he didnt' just buy pasta he stated it was easier his way. he lived off pizza (ONLY from Canadian 2 for 1) the rest of the term.

anyhow, i've figured out that i have a mild case of IBS which is what causes me so much grief. although for the longest time my doctor insisted i just had a sensitive stomach. it's manageable most of the time especially now that i've figured out what works for me. but every now and then i find myself indulging in things i shouldn't...

like chai lattes...

or tequila.. (i really should avoid this for more reasons than the revenge of my stomach)

but i can't seem to help myself. it's like when you're baking cookies and it comes time to add the vanilla and you inhale its sweet yet subtle scent before you measure out your teaspoon. It's at this moment that i usually think about downing the bottle.

i know it doesn't taste good, i have learned that lesson...i'm sorry to say...more than once. i've gone through the whole: "well maybe this time it willl be different".."anything that smells that good can't taste that bad"...."maybe i had just brushed my teeth last time". My mom would always tell me not to taste it, but i never listened and ended up with a foul taste in my mouth.

A lot of things are like that, you know you shouldn't and next thing you know you are reaping the consequences.

it seems that with the way we have been programmed we have to experience everything, even those things which may hurt us (ie.burn) or make us cringe (ie.bad taste). we continue to throw ourselves in the path of probable harm in order to see for ourselves what its like. we disregard other people's warnings, we ignore the effects on others.

And sometimes we make it through ok, a better person in the end finally learning the lesson........and other times we're still tasting the vanilla from the bottle.

so here i am, streaming the latest episode of Glee and nursing my little monster into submission.

She hit the flo'

Since the new job is downtown i've started taking the skytrain to work every day. People on the skytrain are interesting. You have the ones who are absorbed in their copy of the 24 Hours, the ones who sleep, the ones who stare at you and you're not quite sure what they're about to do and the ones who listen to their ipods and zone out until their stop arrives. I'm fascinated by the ipod listeners.

I am also a fellow ipod listener. However, i rarely zone out. i'm always watching others with their headphones on because i have this pressing desire to know what people are listening to.

it takes a lot of concentration, i'm talking extreme, for me to act like a normal passive human being when listening to music. i'm one of those people who sings along to every song i know the words to, regardless of where i am. I BELT out musicals in my car. The Wicked soundtrack is my favorite right now, although lately my rendition of Good Morning Baltimore from Hairspray is knocking out my version of Defying Gravity) I even serenaded my co-workers at my old job. It's so freeing.

....now i could do this on the skytrain but then i would be THAT person, you know the one who everyone avoids and prays they won't catch eyes with.

now i'm starting to get pretty good at just enjoying the music in my head but when a really good song comes on sometimes i find myself smiling to myself or closing my eyes to really sink in the moment.....or mouthing the words....or....dare i say it....dancing a little.

now i'm not full out busting a move or anything but i've been caught bobbing, hip swaying - usually i'm carrying stuff so that prevents the arms from getting away from me.

but lately i've had the urge to do more.

P and I have been taking pole dancing lessons since the beginning of March. I've finally learned enough moves that I can put together a routine of my own if i actually had my own pole to practice on (they are surprisingly expensive!). Yesterday Whatever You Like by Nicole Sherzinger came onto the ipod and I was suddenly struck with urge to whip out some traveling hip circles, body wave, diamond spin, backwards spin, squat and kick all over that skytrain car.

i decided against it since the poles on the new Canada line have all these other poles coming off of the centre pole in order to present more places for people to hang on. I definitely have not learned how to backwards fireman spin around that.

This morning it happened again. i was struck with that same urge, that compulsion, to break out some moves. It was so silent on the train and suddenly we hit King Edward and this space opened up on the floor. I tried to imagine how people would react if i shook my tail featherright across the car. would they gawk in awe? in horror? would they ignore me as i do when someone creeps me out on the skytrain? would they just be praying that i didn't try to get them to dance with me (that's what i would be doing, strange people always want to talk to me or involve me in what they are doing, i think it's the red hair - it attracts the most interesting people)?

OR maybe, just maybe they too would wonder what song is playing on my ipod and someone might even be inspired to let their music loving soul out and dance like no one is watching.

Will the Real Ticketmaster Please Stand Up

So I seem to have a bit of a ticket buying problem....Usually i'm really good about buying tickets - I only ever buy tickets to something i REALLY want to see (usually theatre) and I only ever buy the tickets when i KNOW FOR CERTAIN that I have someone to go with me.

Then it was announced that Carrie Underwood would be coming to Vancouver.... on my birthday...and let's face it, she's here on MY BIRTHDAY - how can i not go?

PROBLEM: I don't have very many friends who like country music....let me rephrase that: i really have no friends that like country music the way that i do. I do have a couple who tolerate it for my sake when i just *have* to go to Roosters and my best friend P is slowly being converted but she can't listen to anything too country yet. As a result i have missed out on tons of country shows that i would have loved to go to. More specifically, i missed out on Kenny Chesney 3 times - THREE TIMES!

But like i said before, it's my birthday - i HAVE to go!

So i purchased the tickets without having anyone to go with assuming that it would turn out ok. and you know what? it did. P agreed to come with me because it is my birthday and Carrie Underwood leans towards pop enough that she could totally handle it and probably enjoy it.

Crisis averted....then JRFM makes another concert announcement.

Toby Keith is coming to town! July 25th! and those wonderful people at JRFM emailed me a pre-sale code....really how can i not use it?

PROBLEM: *see above* AND Toby Keith definitely falls into the too country pile.

BUT it all worked out last time so next thing you know i'm hitting submit and my credit card is being charged...they are pretty amazing seats though - on the floor in the first floor section which the stage juts right through. And i've got two of them....maybe i can put my feet up?

I must subscribe to most mailing lists for country related events (y'all didn't see that one coming did you) and for theatre goups. So it comes as no surprise that i'm on the Cirque du Soleil mailing list. now i've been pretty lucky when it comes to Cirque. I've been able to go twice for free. The first time one of my acting teachers in high school called me up on summer break and offered me an extra ticket. The second time there happened to only be 7 kids in my French 12 class and as part of a culture study we got to go to Cirque on the school's dime. I've had a couple emails in my box taunting me for a couple weeks about a 25% off sale for the upcoming Kooza show.

PROBLEM: not a lot of my friends are into the whole live performance thing and most of them are a little tight on money right now due to the fact that most of them are a good 5 or more years older than me and while i'm 3 classes short of graduating, they're married, thinking about kids, having kids or buying property.

So what do i do? duh, if you haven't noticed the theme already, I buy them.

maybe i'll give P one for her upcoming birthday?

i've been saying for a while now that i need some younger, single girlfriends (all of mine are out of that stage of life where they decide at 9pm on a Friday - hey let's go dancing! and i kind of live to just go dancing) maybe i need to expand that to include theatre-going and country-lovin'.....something to think about

May the Name be with You

My girlfriend is pregnant and was informed at her ultra sound the other day that she will be having a boy!

we're all so very excited. i'm experiencing crazy baby fever right now so i can't wait to kidnap her little bundle of joy....yes i said kidnap...it's a problem i'm working on it...

We were on the discussion of names today and apparently she suggested to her boyfriend that she pick the first name and he can pick the middle name. After cycling through millions of names that D rejected continuously, K threw out a different suggestion

K: How about Lucas?
D: Lucas...i like that
K: Maybe Lucas Charlie - Charlie after my dad?
D: no, Lucas Skywalker
K: you're kidding right?
D: nope *pats belly* hello little Lucas Skywalker

K was amused at first ( I think it's hilarious personally) but it became increasingly clear that D wasn't kidding so much.

She brought it up at work with a couple of her male co-workers who thought it was "pretty cool." One suggested that maybe they could name baby Lucas Anakin...little less out there but still holding on to the Star Wars theme. K brought that up with D and he turned it down.

His reasoning?

Anakin was evil....our baby isn't evil.

I'm a Little More Country than That

I love country music. Most people I meet don't see me as a country-lover they usually guess some version of pop - my tendency to have a sugary sweet disposition might have something to do with that assumption.

But to me country music feels like home. I often say that it's music you can feel, I mean REALLY feel. there's so much emotion packed into every song and even the silly ones are just so feel good that they fill you with an emotion all the same.

They make me yearn for small town life and strong community and family values.

I was in Chapters this afternoon (side note: having the day off is great....less fun when no one else does though) and i stumbled across a Melissa Gilbert biography. For those who don't know Melissa Gilbert played Laura Ingalls in Little House on the Prairie.

I must have seen every episode of that show multiple times. Not every episode was my favorite - generally if it circled around another family in the town and there was little to no interaction with the Ingalls than I wasn't all that interested - and there were some that scared the bejeezus out of me (remember the one where the black smith rapes Albert's girlfriend wearing that white mask?) and ones that broke my heart (Mary going blind, the blind school burning down, the final episode when they blew up the town).

I was also enamored by the writing of LM Montgomery and tales in Road to Avonlea as well as her world-renowned Anne of Green Gables series (my personal favorite).

I think it's the extreme strength that all of these families possess which draws me towards them even today. Even though the Ingalls family faced the gamut of hardships over the course of the show's run, the overarching theme that with family you will make it through never wavered. I'm attracted to this idyllic view of families, mostly because i dont' think that it has to be merely an idyllic fantasy. These families all have their problems and they don't always agree but they always come back to one another.

Much of that comes down to tradition I think and I know I have expressed a lacking in family tradition within my genetic pool before, but it's a recurring concern of mine that I want to make sure I change when I finally have a family of my own. I want my own Little House in Vancouver to have that much love, to live in a community like Avonlea where every person matters and to create a family where maybe there wasn't one before just like Anne.

And so I listen to country music and grasp at the country roots that will be....

Planning for A Future

“Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans” ~ John Lennon


I'm a compulsive planner. I have plans for a whole range of things in my personal life. I could tell you about my 4 children - 2 boys and 2 girls - their names Isabella, Evelyn, Sawyer and Connor. I could tell you about the nursery i made for the girls - sweet pea green walls with a white chair runner and varying shades of pink vertical stripes below the chair runner. But they don't exist....


My bridesmaids are going to wear yellow silk dresses with a cowl back. My flowers will be lilies - i'm a big fan of stargazer lilies. My centrepieces are going to be large martini glasses with those hydra beads in them and cascading flowers and an led light inside the glass, all on top of a circular mirror to reflect the light onto the whole table. But i'm not engaged....or even in a relationship.

I have a compulsion to know what is going to happen - to try and plan for everything, even those things over which I have little control. I think this is one of the things that drew me to drama and the theatre. Now i'm not talking about improvisational theatre - that i have never been a fan of. I don't like being put on the spot and the pressure to be funny makes me less funny than i usually am. I'm talking about being in a play.


Everything is so perfectly planned when getting ready for a performance. Entrances and exits are timed to a T. Each person knows their lines and if one should forget then everyone else knows where we need to be to get that person back on track. This is possible because we already know the ending and the journey, no matter what bumps happen when the curtain rises, is always going to end in the same way. it lends a sense of security that is so often missing from the real world.


Now for someone who is such a planner you might be wondering then why does she have that running problem....I'm not really sure about that myself.


I can plan for the future but planning a specific future with someone is a lot harder - probably because I can't control their actions.


I recently found myself in a relationship and I was actually planning for the two of us. That is something i haven't done with another person since somewhere back in 2006 when the world crumbled around me.


And for the first time, in so long, it wasn't me that prevented the planning. I was ok with it, strangely ok with it. My girlfriends were scratching their heads at my odd ease with this relationship i had stumbled into.


I know that i plan far far.....far ahead because it's safe. It doesn't impact anything right now and they really are just pipe dreams - possibilities - a girl's fairytale hopes. The details change all the time and i am in complete control of every one of those changes....but it's not as satisfying as it once was.


I think i'm finally in a place where i want to plan a future with someone and I don't want those plans to solely exist as moments within my imagination. I think i need more..


I think i'm finally growing up...and while i'm so happy that i'm ready for all of that again, i find myself a little bit sad that it's not as easy to keep my mind content by merely imagining the details of my future home out in the 'burbs.