A Gentle Yearning

I spent my Friday night at my old high school watching this year's school play, John Lennon and Me. I was very active in the theatre department of my high school. I took part in every school play and since graduating, 6 years ago, I have been back to see every play that has been put on. I'm still in contact with one of my former acting teachers and she always makes sure I catch wind of any productions going on.

It's always kind of bittersweet going back to watch. On the one hand it's fun being on the receiving end of the entertainment and getting to check out what the kids are doing, visit with people I might not have seen for a while and just enjoy being back in the high school that was my home for 5 years.

On the other, i can't help but feel saddened that i'm not up there with them because I never continued acting after high school. I can remember that when I walked across the stage at graduation, one of the teachers read out my farewell line and it was something about seeing me on the big screen one day. I literally had stars in my eyes...then i got practical and chose a couple majors that i could create a more stable career out of. So stepping back into that tiny theatre where I spent countless evenings running lines, laughing, sometimes crying but always creating my most treasured memories of high school, I can't help but feel such a strong sense of longing for that feeling I used to have when on that little stage.

I attended the play with one of my former co-stars N. he played lead opposite me when we were 16 and performed Village of Idiots. I can't remember many lines from that play, not like my very first in elementary school ("We could have a Christmas tree, with lights shining lights") or my first high school play (Our Town), but that Village of Idiots holds all my feeling.

There was one scene where Yosef (N's character) has finally proven to me that he truly is a good man and I fall in love with him. I have to stare at him with a look of longing, of desire and hope, for it must have been about 10 min (which seems a lot longer when you're on stage). After one of the performances I got told that our vice principal had told my acting teacher that he couldn't believe i could hold that look for so long without breaking character.

at the time i thought that just meant i was a good actor, but now i think it's just because that look came so naturally to me. i think it's one that comes naturally to most high school students.

high school really is that place where longing is part of your every day experience. you long to belong, to do well, to get that part or to meet that guy. you long for high school to end and then when it does, you long for days to be as simple as they used to be.

our lives are so often characterized by longing for what we don't have that we sometimes forget what we do have. and while i don't think that i will ever stop longing for other experiences or for the future to get here faster or even for the past to be more real than a memory, i do need to learn to appreciate life in the moment a little bit more.

John Lennon and Me reminded me how short life truly is not only because the main character has CF or because the other main character dies at13. But also because I didn't recognize one kid on that stage and not one teacher in that audience, aside from Ms. K, knew who i was anymore. We're here, we live for but a moment and then we're gone leaving only that mark, an imprint, on a few people before we carry on into something bigger.

maybe if we live more in the moment and less on the longing we'll touch just one more person and extend the memory and the impact of our life just a wee bit further.