thunk. his head falls against the inside of the door.
as he exhales he opens his eyes peering through the peep hole into the hallway.
“c’mon.. “ he whispers to himself. .. waiting. watching. terrified.
flustered with nerves and weightless. clearly out of control and positively
certain. adrenaline races around lighting strikes and through questions
without answers.
he’s afraid to close his eyes. if he looks away even for a second and misses her who knows what he really missed.
“c’mon.” he says allowed.. “how’d I get here?” he thinks.
it was probably 2 hours ago when he first noticed her looking his
direction. and not in a glancing way. in a ‘hold my gaze as long as you
like. i like it too.’ kinda way. probably an hour before that he’d
spoken with her. the normal small talk of sorts. be charming. be kind,
appropriate and nice. “be polite, and you’ll find out what you think
about somebody.” he’d heard before.
what he quickly noticed was that when she laughed, it felt like her hand had
touched his. looking in her eyes felt like a warm hug, and her smile
shot anything clever he could think of out of the sky. his interest was
peaked. and as the details danced closer to the edge of desire, he
realized that really... he knew nothing about her.
as part of his brain fantasized, another part strategized. another part
started to question and another part gave answers, until everything sat
in a giant mess in his mind. and then, smack dab in the middle of all
the half-plotting landed a shot of tequila.
huh?
he searched the table for an answer, yet the answer was at another
table. the oldest of old time gestures. he scoffs to himself at the
nerve of that fellow. he shrugs aside this feeling of unnecessary
jealousy. he goes back to his conversation with another person at the
table just long enough that when he looks back, she’s on her way over to
the table for introductions.
interesting.
the dozen or so futile ideas he had about how to walk out of this place
with his arm around her fell to the ground and exploded on impact,
burning his feet and making him forget how to walk. each thought rattled
quickly from one part of his brain to the next, as he tried harder than
ever not to show it. poker face.
the moment kinda hits him like the house lights at 2:15 AM. A signal
perhaps, who knows. Not him. Better he pays up, join the group and see
about getting home. There’s things to do. Practicality starts to filter
back through his mind.
But as it hits so does the jealousy. An old inclination. Maybe its the
feeling that you get get when something meaningful feels like its
getting shelved for something useless. or maybe he was just wrong about
what felt meaningful.
Fuck it. You got a plan? The only decent one is to get up and leave with
everybody and have her come with. Everyone else gets up to leave
naturally. he feels like an actor.
And then.. it all takes 5 seconds to change. 5 seconds to go from ‘would be
nice’ to ‘what do we do?’. she grabs her hat and jacket, and puts them
on the back of the seat next to him; not on her own back. she won’t be
joining him.
he tries to part the shallow sea of alcohol floating in his mind. his fist
clenches in his pocket. his eyebrow rises. does she know that he’s
thinking of her? would she do this if she did? the cold blast of the
night sky feels colder then it should. its tainted with a combination of
that which is certain and that which is uncertain. ‘what do i do?” does
he do nothing? the cavalry won’t be coming over the hill if she needs
them. there’s no rules out here. he realizes that he knows the tables
intentions more than he knows hers.
15 minutes have past.
sitting elbows on knees boots still on, feeling like he’s been throwing punches underwater.
16 minutes.
she’s an adult. what do i have a crush? why don’t you just relax and realize
that you only feel mad because you feel like you got beat at something.
17 minutes.
that’s ridiculous. beat at something? that doesn’t make any sense. you’re
concerned? sure. you’re infatuated? probably. how come? those eyes
perhaps...
18 minutes...
nope. not happening. can’t do it. no one will be there to help if she needs
it. if she doesn’t, then great. he’d rather upset her and have her safe
then sit like this and not know. selfish. he doesn’t care. he’s the
closest thing to a cavalry that she’s going to find if she needs one.
not a terribly secure feeling - but here we go.
convincing help isn’t difficult. away they go. one of a thousand situations could
play out, but he knows if she’ll be angry or happy to see him right
away. it’s a lovely night otherwise..
perfect timing or the only timing? a minute earlier may have brought about
challenges, from broken beers bottles to drunken negotiating. a minute
later could have brought panic. but there she is.. wrapping things up.
here we go. … get out.
one of them catches him eye to eye. he’s saying his goodbyes, or at least
now knows he should start to. chances are he wasn’t saying goodbye
before hand, but trying to find a way to say to good morning.
put together a pathetic ruse. she’s quick to come to her friends.
safe and sound as they say. he can take his boots off. exhale. minutes later the group is back together.
the magnetism is unmistakable. to his left he can feel her eyes. he wonders
if she can feel how badly he’d like to put his arm around her. he
wonders if it feels more awkward for both of them to not be pressing
closer to each other. he wishes they were alone. even for a second. he
wonders if she’ll try and find him later. or what she would say if he
tried to find her. what would he say? in this room of people every
little thing he wants to say or do would raise an eyebrow. except to
her. she’d understand. she’s thinking the same thing.
ding. elevator opens in the lobby.
1.
2.
217. He’ll never forget 217. 4 or 5 seconds go by with him trying to stare
at her long enough that she’ll read in his eyes that he wants her to
stay with him. her stare seems to say the same thing. “i’ll be sitting
against the inside of my door.” they both say. her door closes quietly.
his heart rate is jacked.
thunk. his head falls against the inside of the door.
as he exhales he opens his eyes peering through the peep hole into the hallway.
“c’mon.. “ he whispers to himself. .. waiting. watching. terrified.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Northern Exposure
the mood had shifted. they were looking for more and she knew it. the tone had changed, grown more suggestive and the urging for more drinks in another location grew more insistent. she knew it was time to go. the voice that had told her to have fun and enjoy the company of the cute stranger in the black hat was now telling her that too much alcohol had been consumed by too many people. 5 of them. one of her. it was time to go.
bills tallied, cash exchanged, coats on and blast of cold air as the door opened. quiet. darkness. isolation.
they wanted her to come. she laughed and joked about a long drive the next day. they wanted her to come.
quiet roar, stirred dust, silver beast - dinosaur? no, F150. the driver waves. doors open. her people have come. they retreat as they see she isn't alone.
she moves to the vehicle and he jumps out. doors slam, flurry of excitement, forgotten communications, sly glances from passengers.
he enters the vehicle to her right. she inquires after his missing item. he presses his leg against it, against her. she's been found.
realization. confirmation. deliberation.
she desires contact to thank him. she calls, she knocks, she waits, she knocks, she waits, she retreats.
miscommunication?
phone rings. not him. an invitation, a chance to investigate. she looks and waits and tests the temperature. she leans where she hasn't before. she instigates contact. he smiles. he shrugs off her thanks.
yawns, goodnights, he glances back down the hall? or did she imagine that.
morning. did she imagine it? she's uncertain and shrugs off her crazy thoughts. she blames it on the alcohol. then he gives her shoulder a squeeze while passing her. a simple squeeze, but a suggestive squeeze. the squeeze tells her he knows she knows.
they know.
bills tallied, cash exchanged, coats on and blast of cold air as the door opened. quiet. darkness. isolation.
they wanted her to come. she laughed and joked about a long drive the next day. they wanted her to come.
quiet roar, stirred dust, silver beast - dinosaur? no, F150. the driver waves. doors open. her people have come. they retreat as they see she isn't alone.
she moves to the vehicle and he jumps out. doors slam, flurry of excitement, forgotten communications, sly glances from passengers.
he enters the vehicle to her right. she inquires after his missing item. he presses his leg against it, against her. she's been found.
realization. confirmation. deliberation.
she desires contact to thank him. she calls, she knocks, she waits, she knocks, she waits, she retreats.
miscommunication?
phone rings. not him. an invitation, a chance to investigate. she looks and waits and tests the temperature. she leans where she hasn't before. she instigates contact. he smiles. he shrugs off her thanks.
yawns, goodnights, he glances back down the hall? or did she imagine that.
morning. did she imagine it? she's uncertain and shrugs off her crazy thoughts. she blames it on the alcohol. then he gives her shoulder a squeeze while passing her. a simple squeeze, but a suggestive squeeze. the squeeze tells her he knows she knows.
they know.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Going Steady..
It's official, i'm going steady with my company for a while. I signed the paperwork yesterday for my new position. Publications Writer/Editor 3 --> That's me!
It's a Full Time Temporary (FTT) position for the first six months and then they will post the job officially and I can apply for the permanent position. Doing it this way allowed them to get around formally posting the job and doing a formal hiring procedure right off the bat. It also gives me the chance to really understand my job and prove that i'm awesome at it before they hire other contenders.
it feels so good that my future actually seems to be unfolding. It took me seven years to finish university and that time was often filled with so much uncertainty where I wasn't sure where I would end up or if I would be able to make it in the real working world.
i've been really fortunate with every job that I have ever received. i have had the chance to vie for some amazing opportunities and once i've gotten myself in there i've been pretty lucky at making a good enough impression that i've been able to secure myself a place there in the long term.
when i got the letter of offer yesterday...i can't remember the last time I felt that excited about something. i'm pretty excited about graduating in June, but this was a whole other level. I haven't even graduated from university yet and i am fortunate enough to have a job right out of the gate.
K and I had a tea date last night and we were discussing how we're both "happy career women" and we both feel so fortunate to be able to say that we're truly happy with how our lives have unfolded thus far and the place we are at right now. A place where everything is not necessarily exciting all of the time but it is good and we are happy. I don't think that a lot of people are happy with their lives or are in love with their job more often than not. i've worked at a number of places where people don't necessarily like their job but they're stuck there or they aren't motivated to find something they enjoy. At this company you really don't get the sense that people dislike their jobs. everyone is so passionate and involved. it's a fun collaborative environment and yet we produce a large volume of work.
i think i have chosen "a real fine place to start."
It's a Full Time Temporary (FTT) position for the first six months and then they will post the job officially and I can apply for the permanent position. Doing it this way allowed them to get around formally posting the job and doing a formal hiring procedure right off the bat. It also gives me the chance to really understand my job and prove that i'm awesome at it before they hire other contenders.
it feels so good that my future actually seems to be unfolding. It took me seven years to finish university and that time was often filled with so much uncertainty where I wasn't sure where I would end up or if I would be able to make it in the real working world.
i've been really fortunate with every job that I have ever received. i have had the chance to vie for some amazing opportunities and once i've gotten myself in there i've been pretty lucky at making a good enough impression that i've been able to secure myself a place there in the long term.
when i got the letter of offer yesterday...i can't remember the last time I felt that excited about something. i'm pretty excited about graduating in June, but this was a whole other level. I haven't even graduated from university yet and i am fortunate enough to have a job right out of the gate.
K and I had a tea date last night and we were discussing how we're both "happy career women" and we both feel so fortunate to be able to say that we're truly happy with how our lives have unfolded thus far and the place we are at right now. A place where everything is not necessarily exciting all of the time but it is good and we are happy. I don't think that a lot of people are happy with their lives or are in love with their job more often than not. i've worked at a number of places where people don't necessarily like their job but they're stuck there or they aren't motivated to find something they enjoy. At this company you really don't get the sense that people dislike their jobs. everyone is so passionate and involved. it's a fun collaborative environment and yet we produce a large volume of work.
i think i have chosen "a real fine place to start."
Friday, February 18, 2011
"I don't want anyone else, I just want you"
You'd think at the sound of those words any girl would be melting into a pool at the guy who said its feet...and I am no exception. Except those words didn't come from a guy I was interested in romantically. And those words were not in reference to a relationship with me.
Those words popped out of a senior manager's mouth while I was in his office listening to a job proposal. that's right a job proposal. Instead of diamonds I get a salary and instead of promises of a dream home, I get my very own cubicle in the office.
Either way it's the offer of a future with a company that is very successful, treats its employees very well and provides the opportunity for consistent professional growth.
This opportunity will allow me to really work on my writing and interview skills. It will give me that chance to take ownership over our company's internal communication system. I'll have the opportunity to travel and see all of our province. And i'll get to be part of a new family that is very tight knit in the office and highly supportive of one another.
The paperwork hasn't been signed quite yet, but it's looking quite promising and I think the Year of Me is truly starting with all the shrieks, tears and hugs that go with that popped question.
For my first big proposal it was well worth the wait.
Those words popped out of a senior manager's mouth while I was in his office listening to a job proposal. that's right a job proposal. Instead of diamonds I get a salary and instead of promises of a dream home, I get my very own cubicle in the office.
Either way it's the offer of a future with a company that is very successful, treats its employees very well and provides the opportunity for consistent professional growth.
This opportunity will allow me to really work on my writing and interview skills. It will give me that chance to take ownership over our company's internal communication system. I'll have the opportunity to travel and see all of our province. And i'll get to be part of a new family that is very tight knit in the office and highly supportive of one another.
The paperwork hasn't been signed quite yet, but it's looking quite promising and I think the Year of Me is truly starting with all the shrieks, tears and hugs that go with that popped question.
For my first big proposal it was well worth the wait.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
I'm not alone.
I was sent this article the other day by one of the directors at my place of employment.
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/18/us/politics/18early.html?_r=2&pagewanted=1&ref=politics
The article describes how young aides at major companies are getting up at 4 and 5 am every morning to pour over news clippings to "synthesize it, summarize it and spin it, before their bosses start the day well prepared."
This is actually a component of my job. I listen and transcribe news clips before I go to bed every night and I rise around 6 am to catch all of the morning clips and compile them into a summary for the executive team at work.
it's kind of nice to know i'm not the only one who spends all hours pouring over the news in the wee morning hours.
I could start a Facebook group...
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/18/us/politics/18early.html?_r=2&pagewanted=1&ref=politics
The article describes how young aides at major companies are getting up at 4 and 5 am every morning to pour over news clippings to "synthesize it, summarize it and spin it, before their bosses start the day well prepared."
This is actually a component of my job. I listen and transcribe news clips before I go to bed every night and I rise around 6 am to catch all of the morning clips and compile them into a summary for the executive team at work.
it's kind of nice to know i'm not the only one who spends all hours pouring over the news in the wee morning hours.
I could start a Facebook group...
Monday, January 17, 2011
Sagi-WHAT?!
**I'll say hey you say baby how's your day i'll say crazy...** (yes this is my ring tone...)
Me: Hello?
J: Hey
**random chit chat**
J: so are you still a Capricorn?
Me: Nope, i'm a Sagittarius.
J: Oh really? yea i'm a Virgo now.
Me: Now...? i've always been a Sagittarius...
J: Oh so you didn't change
Me:.......hunh?
J: They changed all the astrological signs, you might not be a Sagittarius anymore.
**I dash to computer and google madly**
Me: WTF, what's a Ophiucus?
J: i'm guessing you're the new sign?
Me: yea no longer a Sagittarius by one day...
So that was how my weekend unfolded itself. I lost my astrological identity. Not that i ever paid all that much attention to astrology but I always felt that i was a Sagittarius, I mean the personality traits always made sense. Fire sign, fiery temper, redheaded. And i know you're thinking but they make those traits so general that they could apply to anyone. But check out this one: *ahem* "Because of their desire for change, Sagittarians may have a hard time committing to a relationship for very long."
Now if that's not me to a T then i don't know what is.
Of course i've now had to learn my new personality traits. They're pretty much the same across the board on all websites:
* A seeker of wisdom and knowledge (it has taken me 7 years to complete my undergrad because i kept extending my degree)
* A flamboyant dressing sense, favouring bright colours. ( i LOVE colour)
* Authority looks upon him/her well (very obedient, never got into trouble.. missed that rebellious gene)
* Would make a great architect or builder (ok we strike out here)
* Number 12 is the lucky number.
* Will have a big family but will leave home at an early age (i LOVE the idea of a big family but am concerned about its practicality...and well...i've left home a couple times...and came back....but i was only 18 the first time)
But my favorite, and the one i think is the most applicable personally, was found on one website which declared that Ophiucus' are "wearers of plaid".
I am choosing to interpret this as my astrological sign understanding my love of country music. Accordingly, when i walked past the display in Walmart with $9 plaid shirts...i bought two.
Me: Hello?
J: Hey
**random chit chat**
J: so are you still a Capricorn?
Me: Nope, i'm a Sagittarius.
J: Oh really? yea i'm a Virgo now.
Me: Now...? i've always been a Sagittarius...
J: Oh so you didn't change
Me:.......hunh?
J: They changed all the astrological signs, you might not be a Sagittarius anymore.
**I dash to computer and google madly**
Me: WTF, what's a Ophiucus?
J: i'm guessing you're the new sign?
Me: yea no longer a Sagittarius by one day...
So that was how my weekend unfolded itself. I lost my astrological identity. Not that i ever paid all that much attention to astrology but I always felt that i was a Sagittarius, I mean the personality traits always made sense. Fire sign, fiery temper, redheaded. And i know you're thinking but they make those traits so general that they could apply to anyone. But check out this one: *ahem* "Because of their desire for change, Sagittarians may have a hard time committing to a relationship for very long."
Now if that's not me to a T then i don't know what is.
Of course i've now had to learn my new personality traits. They're pretty much the same across the board on all websites:
* A seeker of wisdom and knowledge (it has taken me 7 years to complete my undergrad because i kept extending my degree)
* A flamboyant dressing sense, favouring bright colours. ( i LOVE colour)
* Authority looks upon him/her well (very obedient, never got into trouble.. missed that rebellious gene)
* Would make a great architect or builder (ok we strike out here)
* Number 12 is the lucky number.
* Will have a big family but will leave home at an early age (i LOVE the idea of a big family but am concerned about its practicality...and well...i've left home a couple times...and came back....but i was only 18 the first time)
But my favorite, and the one i think is the most applicable personally, was found on one website which declared that Ophiucus' are "wearers of plaid".
I am choosing to interpret this as my astrological sign understanding my love of country music. Accordingly, when i walked past the display in Walmart with $9 plaid shirts...i bought two.
Monday, January 10, 2011
The Year of....
i'm a bad blogger....i know, a really bad blogger. i fall off the band wagon whenever life gets too interesting. I will try and be better in case there is someone out there who actually reads this since i know how frustrating it is when my favorite bloggers don't have any entries for a couple months....like how i just suggested i'm someone's favorite blogger? oh dear.
so my girlfriend K has decided that 2011 is the "Year of K." Everyone seems to have "their" so called year. My friend J claims it was her 23rd year because that is when everything fell into place for her educationally, professionally, romantically etc. She convinced me that 23 would be a fantastic year and 23 came and went and meh it wasn't bad but it wasn't fantastic and didn't really feel like the year of me. I'm still waiting for the "Year of Me" but i'm using that theme and slightly trying something new for 2011.
My New Year's resolutions this year are:
- To be kick ass professionally
- To get a permanent job placement and stop working contract positions
- To save enough to purchase a condo by the end of the year
now i don't think 2011 is necessarily going to be the "Year of Me" in exactly the same way as for K, but i think it will be a year for myself in that i'm going to focus my energy on myself, on improving myself in every aspect of my life and of becoming a stronger more independent person than i am already.
This year i will not worry about not being in the same place as all of my friends. This year i will acknowledge my age and the success that has already come my way and be happy with what i achieve.
This year i will not reach past what is realistic, nor will i compare myself to people who are in entirely different places than myself.
This year happiness will be an integral part of my lifestyle and those things which do not add to my life in any way will be cast off to make room for something new.
This year i will let love find me if it so chooses and i will not worry, nor actively seek out relationships because i have so many other things that i should focus on for myself in the present. Worrying about being the "single friend" in my circle of girlfriends will no longer be a concern because I will accept that everything happens in its own time.
I will embrace new situations, opportunities and people. I will relinquish control over those things which i ultimately have little control over and accept what comes my way.
It's time to turn a page and be a better person.
Oh Brave New World. Hello 2011.
so my girlfriend K has decided that 2011 is the "Year of K." Everyone seems to have "their" so called year. My friend J claims it was her 23rd year because that is when everything fell into place for her educationally, professionally, romantically etc. She convinced me that 23 would be a fantastic year and 23 came and went and meh it wasn't bad but it wasn't fantastic and didn't really feel like the year of me. I'm still waiting for the "Year of Me" but i'm using that theme and slightly trying something new for 2011.
My New Year's resolutions this year are:
- To be kick ass professionally
- To get a permanent job placement and stop working contract positions
- To save enough to purchase a condo by the end of the year
now i don't think 2011 is necessarily going to be the "Year of Me" in exactly the same way as for K, but i think it will be a year for myself in that i'm going to focus my energy on myself, on improving myself in every aspect of my life and of becoming a stronger more independent person than i am already.
This year i will not worry about not being in the same place as all of my friends. This year i will acknowledge my age and the success that has already come my way and be happy with what i achieve.
This year i will not reach past what is realistic, nor will i compare myself to people who are in entirely different places than myself.
This year happiness will be an integral part of my lifestyle and those things which do not add to my life in any way will be cast off to make room for something new.
This year i will let love find me if it so chooses and i will not worry, nor actively seek out relationships because i have so many other things that i should focus on for myself in the present. Worrying about being the "single friend" in my circle of girlfriends will no longer be a concern because I will accept that everything happens in its own time.
I will embrace new situations, opportunities and people. I will relinquish control over those things which i ultimately have little control over and accept what comes my way.
It's time to turn a page and be a better person.
Oh Brave New World. Hello 2011.
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