Hot Commodity

Yea you read the title correctly.

I was informed by my girlfriend J that I am now considered a hot commodity in that particular circle of friends.

of course this posed the question of why to tumble out of my mouth. (i'm sure a very confused look was also painted on my face).

You see this particular circle is my group of married friends and this past weekend I found out 2 of them are pregnant. So now, not only are they all married they are also moving in to baby land - 2 places i am no where near.

But yes J informed me that I am now considered a hot commodity because i am the only single person all of them know.

How did this come to be realized you might wonder. Well whenever a single friend of the husband happens to be over the question of "so do you have any single friends?" surfaces. After some pondering the group's token redhead (ahem, me) took centre stage.

Now i've always liked playing the lead BUT the cherry on top of this great big sundae of delight?

I only know the rest of the group through J - i'm their friend by extension. This means that their "real" friends are ALL attached. They have literally had to grasp at straws to come up with a single friend.

That's right, hot commodity RIGHT HERE!

*le sigh*

Doormat: Tread Lightly

I can probably be blamed for all the rain the lower mainland will be getting for the remainder of June. I woke up this morning to a washing machine full of baby spiders. needless to say, i didn't let them enjoy their new home. they've since been relocated to the vacuum filter - not quite as roomy, but definitely dryer (haha no pun intended).

they really are the most creepy crawly of the creatures. there is never just one, never. they travel in packs and i think their sole purpose is to give me the heebie jeebies. As i vacuumed them all up, making darn well sure that nozzle got in every crook and cranny, I couldn't help but think of Charlotte. You know Charlotte right? Charlotte the spider from a little book called Charlotte's Web? well you should.

i couldn't help feel a little bit guilty as i disposed of the creatures preventing me from washing my clothes - maybe it was the universe's way of telling me i should be hand washing them? i did hang most of them to dry if that's any consolation.

it's that same feeling i get when i avert my eyes from strangers on the skytrain, or from homeless on the street. it's the reason i can't say no to kids collecting donations and why i beat myself up over declining when an adult asks me.

guilt eats at me like an ant on a lollipop even when i am really doing what i want and what i think is best for me; if it means depriving someone else of what they desire/need my insides writhe with agitation. so more often than not, i'll do what others want just to keep that feeling at bay.

my "friend" C constantly asks me to do things last minute. he knows that's one of my pet peeves but he still refuses to actually make the effort to plan something. to top it off, regardless of what time the last minute planning occurs, he expects me to drive out to meet him.if i make the suggestion first that he should come out my way, well let's just say it's suddenly not a convenient evening to hang out. this occurred the other night. after he insulted me i told him he was an ass and if he wanted to hang out he should come over. he obviously didn't and i spent the next hour justifying my actions to myself.

i'm waiting for the day that doing things for me will leave me feeling empowered, more confident, sure of who i am and what i stand for (and won't stand for).

maybe the spiders were a push.

maybe this was the universe's way of saying suck it up princess, you can't please 'em all.

Misleading Mishaps

I hate Minis...

now i don't mean mini chocolate bars, those are pretty awesome. i like mini ice cream treats as well mostly because they are just the right portion size for my moderately lactose intolerant tummy. i'm talking about mini coopers. you know those really tiny cars that BMW makes?

why you might ask? why do i hate the adorable little car that Austin Powers drives? because they are deceptive automobiles.

I just know that this has happened to you before too. You're driving through a crowded parking lot and there, right ahead, you see it - an empty spot. It's in a prime location too, always close to the door to wherever you need to be. Grinning from ear to ear, you race towards the parking spot, passing perfectly adequate spots along the way all because they are simply too far, and then you reach it and begin to turn your wheel... and that's when you realize it's not an empty spot at all, a god damn Mini is in it.

I hate being deceived, led on, teased. In fact, one of my number 1 pet peeves is people who bail on plans. I am a total planner and so when people agree to do something with me, i expect them to follow through. Now of course i'm not completely unreasonable, shit happens and sometimes things need to be rescheduled. But i'm talking about that one friend that we all have who consistently breaks plans. You can pretty much make a back-up plan every time and intend to follow through on plan 2, without double-booking yourself in the end.

I have friends who claim that if you don't plan/look forward to things, you can't be disappointed and so I shouldn't put so much emphasis on things that may or may not happen. But when you agree to do something, that's giving your word that you will, and when you continuously disregard that your word means less and less. Eventually, you'll reach a point where your existence is meaningless just like your words and actions.

i hate losing trust in people because it reminds me that not everybody is worth the time and effort and i like to think that everyone is, to someone at least.

i *might* have another contention with minis. perhaps. maybe slightly.

Driving up to campus one day I parked beside a mini cooper (an amazing parking spot i must add), it was a light blue one to be precise. Feeling triumphant i proceeded to my class with a big smile on my face, enjoying the sunshine as i strolled complacently. After my class i looked out on the parking lot, spotted my light blue mini friend and walked straight for it. And there, right beside my little bug (hmm...best not mix VWs with BMWs) was an empty parking spot.

now, i know you must be thinking "is she actually blaming the mini for her car getting stolen?!" and no i am not.

Thinking i had misjudged how close i had parked to the mini i kept walking, and walking AND walking. Finally i realized that my amazing parking spot would not be way the hell back here and turned around until i ended back at the empty parking spot. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, as i pondered what to do. i decided to walk back to the school and rationally think out a game plan. On my way back I suddenly came upon another mini cooper, light blue, in an amazing spot super close to the building. Beside it...my car.

even when there is a spot available the little bastards screw me anyway.

A Gentle Yearning

I spent my Friday night at my old high school watching this year's school play, John Lennon and Me. I was very active in the theatre department of my high school. I took part in every school play and since graduating, 6 years ago, I have been back to see every play that has been put on. I'm still in contact with one of my former acting teachers and she always makes sure I catch wind of any productions going on.

It's always kind of bittersweet going back to watch. On the one hand it's fun being on the receiving end of the entertainment and getting to check out what the kids are doing, visit with people I might not have seen for a while and just enjoy being back in the high school that was my home for 5 years.

On the other, i can't help but feel saddened that i'm not up there with them because I never continued acting after high school. I can remember that when I walked across the stage at graduation, one of the teachers read out my farewell line and it was something about seeing me on the big screen one day. I literally had stars in my eyes...then i got practical and chose a couple majors that i could create a more stable career out of. So stepping back into that tiny theatre where I spent countless evenings running lines, laughing, sometimes crying but always creating my most treasured memories of high school, I can't help but feel such a strong sense of longing for that feeling I used to have when on that little stage.

I attended the play with one of my former co-stars N. he played lead opposite me when we were 16 and performed Village of Idiots. I can't remember many lines from that play, not like my very first in elementary school ("We could have a Christmas tree, with lights shining lights") or my first high school play (Our Town), but that Village of Idiots holds all my feeling.

There was one scene where Yosef (N's character) has finally proven to me that he truly is a good man and I fall in love with him. I have to stare at him with a look of longing, of desire and hope, for it must have been about 10 min (which seems a lot longer when you're on stage). After one of the performances I got told that our vice principal had told my acting teacher that he couldn't believe i could hold that look for so long without breaking character.

at the time i thought that just meant i was a good actor, but now i think it's just because that look came so naturally to me. i think it's one that comes naturally to most high school students.

high school really is that place where longing is part of your every day experience. you long to belong, to do well, to get that part or to meet that guy. you long for high school to end and then when it does, you long for days to be as simple as they used to be.

our lives are so often characterized by longing for what we don't have that we sometimes forget what we do have. and while i don't think that i will ever stop longing for other experiences or for the future to get here faster or even for the past to be more real than a memory, i do need to learn to appreciate life in the moment a little bit more.

John Lennon and Me reminded me how short life truly is not only because the main character has CF or because the other main character dies at13. But also because I didn't recognize one kid on that stage and not one teacher in that audience, aside from Ms. K, knew who i was anymore. We're here, we live for but a moment and then we're gone leaving only that mark, an imprint, on a few people before we carry on into something bigger.

maybe if we live more in the moment and less on the longing we'll touch just one more person and extend the memory and the impact of our life just a wee bit further.

Angry Tummy Alert

My tummy is so not happy right now. It's my fault really, I had to have my venti chai latte from Starbucks. Should have gone with the soy milk though....you'd think i would learn.

I'm somewhat lactose intolerant, can't eat spicy foods, can't handle a lot of caffeine, alcohol is tough on me too. to top it off, stress or being upset means my stomach pretty much wants to eat itself. When i moved to Ottawa last year i had about a month of the monster in my gut....really was unfortunate for my roommate although he had enough strange quirks that me hogging the upstairs bathroom almost balanced out in the end.

random note about strange roommate: you know he only went grocery shopping the first week we lived there together. he bought a case of Kraft Dinner but only for the noodles - he didn't like the "cheese" powder that came with it. when i asked why he didnt' just buy pasta he stated it was easier his way. he lived off pizza (ONLY from Canadian 2 for 1) the rest of the term.

anyhow, i've figured out that i have a mild case of IBS which is what causes me so much grief. although for the longest time my doctor insisted i just had a sensitive stomach. it's manageable most of the time especially now that i've figured out what works for me. but every now and then i find myself indulging in things i shouldn't...

like chai lattes...

or tequila.. (i really should avoid this for more reasons than the revenge of my stomach)

but i can't seem to help myself. it's like when you're baking cookies and it comes time to add the vanilla and you inhale its sweet yet subtle scent before you measure out your teaspoon. It's at this moment that i usually think about downing the bottle.

i know it doesn't taste good, i have learned that lesson...i'm sorry to say...more than once. i've gone through the whole: "well maybe this time it willl be different".."anything that smells that good can't taste that bad"...."maybe i had just brushed my teeth last time". My mom would always tell me not to taste it, but i never listened and ended up with a foul taste in my mouth.

A lot of things are like that, you know you shouldn't and next thing you know you are reaping the consequences.

it seems that with the way we have been programmed we have to experience everything, even those things which may hurt us (ie.burn) or make us cringe (ie.bad taste). we continue to throw ourselves in the path of probable harm in order to see for ourselves what its like. we disregard other people's warnings, we ignore the effects on others.

And sometimes we make it through ok, a better person in the end finally learning the lesson........and other times we're still tasting the vanilla from the bottle.

so here i am, streaming the latest episode of Glee and nursing my little monster into submission.

She hit the flo'

Since the new job is downtown i've started taking the skytrain to work every day. People on the skytrain are interesting. You have the ones who are absorbed in their copy of the 24 Hours, the ones who sleep, the ones who stare at you and you're not quite sure what they're about to do and the ones who listen to their ipods and zone out until their stop arrives. I'm fascinated by the ipod listeners.

I am also a fellow ipod listener. However, i rarely zone out. i'm always watching others with their headphones on because i have this pressing desire to know what people are listening to.

it takes a lot of concentration, i'm talking extreme, for me to act like a normal passive human being when listening to music. i'm one of those people who sings along to every song i know the words to, regardless of where i am. I BELT out musicals in my car. The Wicked soundtrack is my favorite right now, although lately my rendition of Good Morning Baltimore from Hairspray is knocking out my version of Defying Gravity) I even serenaded my co-workers at my old job. It's so freeing.

....now i could do this on the skytrain but then i would be THAT person, you know the one who everyone avoids and prays they won't catch eyes with.

now i'm starting to get pretty good at just enjoying the music in my head but when a really good song comes on sometimes i find myself smiling to myself or closing my eyes to really sink in the moment.....or mouthing the words....or....dare i say it....dancing a little.

now i'm not full out busting a move or anything but i've been caught bobbing, hip swaying - usually i'm carrying stuff so that prevents the arms from getting away from me.

but lately i've had the urge to do more.

P and I have been taking pole dancing lessons since the beginning of March. I've finally learned enough moves that I can put together a routine of my own if i actually had my own pole to practice on (they are surprisingly expensive!). Yesterday Whatever You Like by Nicole Sherzinger came onto the ipod and I was suddenly struck with urge to whip out some traveling hip circles, body wave, diamond spin, backwards spin, squat and kick all over that skytrain car.

i decided against it since the poles on the new Canada line have all these other poles coming off of the centre pole in order to present more places for people to hang on. I definitely have not learned how to backwards fireman spin around that.

This morning it happened again. i was struck with that same urge, that compulsion, to break out some moves. It was so silent on the train and suddenly we hit King Edward and this space opened up on the floor. I tried to imagine how people would react if i shook my tail featherright across the car. would they gawk in awe? in horror? would they ignore me as i do when someone creeps me out on the skytrain? would they just be praying that i didn't try to get them to dance with me (that's what i would be doing, strange people always want to talk to me or involve me in what they are doing, i think it's the red hair - it attracts the most interesting people)?

OR maybe, just maybe they too would wonder what song is playing on my ipod and someone might even be inspired to let their music loving soul out and dance like no one is watching.

Will the Real Ticketmaster Please Stand Up

So I seem to have a bit of a ticket buying problem....Usually i'm really good about buying tickets - I only ever buy tickets to something i REALLY want to see (usually theatre) and I only ever buy the tickets when i KNOW FOR CERTAIN that I have someone to go with me.

Then it was announced that Carrie Underwood would be coming to Vancouver.... on my birthday...and let's face it, she's here on MY BIRTHDAY - how can i not go?

PROBLEM: I don't have very many friends who like country music....let me rephrase that: i really have no friends that like country music the way that i do. I do have a couple who tolerate it for my sake when i just *have* to go to Roosters and my best friend P is slowly being converted but she can't listen to anything too country yet. As a result i have missed out on tons of country shows that i would have loved to go to. More specifically, i missed out on Kenny Chesney 3 times - THREE TIMES!

But like i said before, it's my birthday - i HAVE to go!

So i purchased the tickets without having anyone to go with assuming that it would turn out ok. and you know what? it did. P agreed to come with me because it is my birthday and Carrie Underwood leans towards pop enough that she could totally handle it and probably enjoy it.

Crisis averted....then JRFM makes another concert announcement.

Toby Keith is coming to town! July 25th! and those wonderful people at JRFM emailed me a pre-sale code....really how can i not use it?

PROBLEM: *see above* AND Toby Keith definitely falls into the too country pile.

BUT it all worked out last time so next thing you know i'm hitting submit and my credit card is being charged...they are pretty amazing seats though - on the floor in the first floor section which the stage juts right through. And i've got two of them....maybe i can put my feet up?

I must subscribe to most mailing lists for country related events (y'all didn't see that one coming did you) and for theatre goups. So it comes as no surprise that i'm on the Cirque du Soleil mailing list. now i've been pretty lucky when it comes to Cirque. I've been able to go twice for free. The first time one of my acting teachers in high school called me up on summer break and offered me an extra ticket. The second time there happened to only be 7 kids in my French 12 class and as part of a culture study we got to go to Cirque on the school's dime. I've had a couple emails in my box taunting me for a couple weeks about a 25% off sale for the upcoming Kooza show.

PROBLEM: not a lot of my friends are into the whole live performance thing and most of them are a little tight on money right now due to the fact that most of them are a good 5 or more years older than me and while i'm 3 classes short of graduating, they're married, thinking about kids, having kids or buying property.

So what do i do? duh, if you haven't noticed the theme already, I buy them.

maybe i'll give P one for her upcoming birthday?

i've been saying for a while now that i need some younger, single girlfriends (all of mine are out of that stage of life where they decide at 9pm on a Friday - hey let's go dancing! and i kind of live to just go dancing) maybe i need to expand that to include theatre-going and country-lovin'.....something to think about