And what would Mom like?

Today i headed down to my old job at a car auction to celebrate their family fun show and shine auction with my friend M. P (who unfortunately had to work today) convinced me to go with promises of popcorn and tootsie rolls (every time i hear tootsie roll, that jingle pops into my head from when i was a kid). but M was bringing his kids down so i went to hang out with him and the munchkins and say hi to some of my old co-workers.

it's weird going back to the auction these days. i worked there for 3 years and yet i already feel like i've become an outsider. i'm the one who left. and the one who doesn't lie about how ecstatic she is with her choice to leave. but it was nice to see some people, like Fred, my most favorite auctioneer.

We got onto a rocky start him and me. When i first started at the auction, i got pulled into block clerking my second month there. a block clerk sits beside the auctioneer and keeps track of all the incoming bids in the computer system, as well as bids for the online bidders. It requires a high amount of accuracy and great reflexes in order to keep up with the auctioneer. Fred, as lovable as he is, is not a patient man when it comes to dealing with block clerks and he yelled at me a couple times when i was learning the online bidding side of the job. This resulted in me crumbling into tears because i was trying SO incredibly hard to do it perfectly. i was unable to clerk the rest of the auction because i couldn't compose myself, so my trainer took over while i tried to collect myself. Fred caught me crying and felt so terrible about the whole ordeal and since then we have been super close. he's like a father figure and so incredibly sweet.

i couldn't resist when i saw him and i ran up to the block to give him a hug. he actually stopped the auction to say hi and hug me back. Good to know i can still stop an auction ;)

they had a lot of fun activities for the kids which was great because M's little boy is about 6 and his daughter and her friend are 9. While we were waiting to get our balloon creations i was joking with the kids and watching the man make one of the girls a killer whale. When the balloon man made a comment about "mom and dad" needing balloons too. i didn't really catch what he meant and so ignored it. Then later the balloon man made another comment to me referring to me as "Mom." i just laughed and didn't bother correcting him. M thought it was hilarious and kept calling me Mom. Then we went inside to get the kids' faces painted and the face painting lady decided to ask "Mom" for permission to do a scary face on little Joel. At this point M's daughter came up to me and whispered "She thinks you're our mom!" haha.

i definitely didn't think i would be waking up a mother this morning but it was pretty nice to be called that i must admit- although the logistics of those pregnancies would be a little complicated considering my age haha. i got the warm and fuzzies with it and it's nice to know that i look like i fit the role. my friends joke that i have the mommy purse with everything a mom would need - P calls it the Mary Poppins purse because the contents can be so surprising. i definitely want kids someday and it just felt really good to be mistaken for their mom, which is something that has never happened before. maybe i am growing up a little bit.

~~~~~~~~~~~

On the dark and twisty front, i'm doing much better. my dark and twistiness was felt by the new boy as well and through misunderstandings on both sides, we had mutually convinced ourselves the other wasn't interested which climaxed in some angry and hurt moments. i do think that i often give up too soon and i am making a valiant effort to try with this one because i feel like E and i have a connection i haven't felt with anyone else. maybe with some better communication on both of our parts, dark and twisty moments will stay away. If not, at least i will know that i have actually tried.

Skin

No matter how thick skinned we try to be, there's millions of electrifying nerve endings in there. Open and exposed and feeling way too much. Try as we might to keep from feeling pain, sometimes it's just unavoidable. Sometimes that's the only thing left - just feeling. ~ Grey's Anatomy

As Meredith Grey would say, I had a dark and twisty weekend. It's not a regular occurrence but every couple months or so, one sneaks up on me. it usually happens when one thing in my life just isn't working for me. then it's a dark and twisty couple days where it seems as though nothing can lift my mood. I get snarky and spending my time alone is really the only way to push through it. It's really not fair to subject others to it.

this dark and twisty weekend was brought to me in part by my lack lustre personal life.

professionally speaking i'm doing quite well. i have a job that i love and that i seem to be doing really well at, considering the good feedback i have been getting from my supervisor, manager and director. there seems to be promise for the potential for a position should one become available and i've just taken on a new job that will help to keep me noticed at the company.

personally - well i'm kind of lame.

this past weekend was the last weekend of the PNE. The PNE is my FAVOURITE part of summer. i know that sounds silly but there's something about the youthful feeling in the air that invigorates me. I love cheering for the Super Dogs and for the pigs and the ducks. I take way too much pleasure in wandering through the market place and listening to all the pitches the vendors are shouting (i have a soft spot for infomercials). AND it's the perfect time to indulge in everything deep fried - did you know they had deep fried butter this year?? sounds awful but soo intriguing. To top it all off, this year is the 100th anniversary of the PNE.

i wasn't able to find one person to go with me. not one. when it comes down to having friends, i mean real friends not acquaintances, i don't have a lot and that doesn't bother me because i'd rather have real, good friends then half-assed ones, but in situations like this it sucks. i asked everyone i could think of to go with me and struck out with each request.

i ended up asking my ex bf to go and, knowing how much i love the pne, he wanted to take me and it became the Monday plan. Unfortunately it rained like crazy and we couldn't go. it was really sweet of him to want to take me though. But because of my dark and twisty weekend i wasn't very nice and he got a very heartfelt apology message from me that would have been tear stained if my iphone could absorb.

the dark and twisty started not because of the pne, but because i tried not to be so thick-skinned and instead i let the nerve endings be open and exposed and i let myself feel....and i got disappointed. things have not been going so well with the new flame as of late and honestly i don't know why i'm surprised.

i don't let my guard down. i keep a wall up and i stay on my side and that way when the dark passages become lit with new knowledge about people, i'm ok with it and i can walk away unscathed. burns take far too long to heal to not be careful.

i dropped the wall. i embraced something new and let my skin come in contact with new surroundings and i enjoyed every minute of it until a 3am drunk dial and asshole behaviour popped up, followed by a strange attitude and a lack of commitment. there wasn't even a tentative date on table (which by the way i hate, it's not hard to make a plan and stick to it. a tentative date feels like you are holding out for something better) there was just nothing except suggestions for dates from me and no follow up from him.

i'm so tired of my romantic life sucking. i would really like to rid myself of the nick name Maneater. i want to believe there is someone for me that will make the effort and will court me. how old fashioned is that? but i expect a guy to plan dates, just as i would for him, and to woo me or at least want to woo me. i think i'm wooable. it'd be nice to be treated special for once - i'm not high maintenance in relationships, i'm impressed by the smallest gestures and i don't need phone calls every day and i don't need to see the person all the time BUT i still want that effort.

the dark and twisty weekend is over - but there is a whole lot of feeling left over...

Superstar in the making

My supervisor S gets recognized on the street with all the spokesperson work she does through work. Her sister also happens to be a Canadian TV personality and since they look so similar S gets mistaken for her sister all the time too. Today S caused quite the stir when she went to her local post office. She had the lady who worked there all excited to see the woman on TV. She really is an amazing spokesperson. She exudes confidence even when she's unsure of herself. Definitely an inspiring person to work with and i'm honestly lucky to have her as my supervisor.

Yesterday I did my first media interview and although i was ridiculously nervous to do something I have prepared two people before me to do, S's advice of pretending that I was only talking to the interviewer and that no one else was listening to the radio show kept running through my head. It wasn't as difficult as I imagined it would be. i definitely need to remember to slow down when i'm speaking though. I have the bad habit of speaking very quickly in everyday speech and I have to consciously remind myself to slow it down. I also had about 5 um's in 6 minutes and i said "fantastic" one too many times (one fantastic is enough for any conversation or it just sounds like overkill haha). Overall, i'm quite content with how i did.

I think what got me so nervous is that I had decided that this interview could determine whether or not they hire me at the end of my contract. My manager told me that our VP had been asking about me and about whether or not i was a good spokesperson, comfortable with media etc. and until now that was yet to be seen. If my manager and VP think that my first one went well then that could give me a big leg up if they decide to hire an entry level person for the media team.

it's funny how the people around you can be so confident in your ability even when you are not. With some people you know they are just saying that it will go well because they don't want to tell you that you will fail. But then you know those sincere people in your life who would tell you their honest opinion regardless of whether it's a negative or positive comment. i truly hope that everyone has a couple of these real friends in their life. these types of friends offer another level of support that transcends simply being nice.

Recently, i've had someone new in my life who seems to transcend the nice zone in the same way that P does. It could be my hormones talking -- there might be some sense in K$sha's words "my steeze is gonna be affected if i keep it up like a lovesick crackhead." But i don't think that's it. this guy seems so different than others that i've dated. i'm not scared, i'm not panicking, i don't mind talking to him every day - in fact i want to. he is incredibly articulate and listens to what i'm saying while laughing at my jokes and he even shows off his own inner dork that so often i find myself letting escape.

E seems genuinely interested in me which made me believe him when he expressed confidence in my ability to kill that interview. it's nice to actually believe what a guy is saying to me, instead of always having my guard up.

E actually told me a story about the person who interviewed me and how he was the first autograph that E ever got (he was just a youngin' and mesmerized that this guy was on TV). This was just so incredibly precious. You have to understand that the host of the radio show i was on, is very well known in the community BUT he's the corniest guy ever and mixes his information up all the time. and here little E walks up and slides a napkin onto his table for him to sign - too shy to even speak.

I told S today that it was only a matter of time before kids would be sliding her napkins in crowded restaurants.

Just call my name and I'll be there...

Today my director of communication called me into his office. He wanted to lend me a book that he had told me about last week when I spoke of my love for Cirque du Soleil. I had expressed how mesmerized i was by the performers who spend their entire lives training to do something that they love and then get to share that love, that passion, that fire with millions of people.

My talk reminded him of this book The Spark: Igniting the Creative Fire that Lives within Us All.

I've only been able to read a little bit on the skytrain ride home but I thought I would share this bit from the foreword:

"They [Cirque performers] have learned to surrender to their senses, trust their instincts, take risks, and meet new challenged in an artistic and nurturing environment. They work alone and they work together learning to connect with and touch people in new ways, endeavoring always to reinvent themselves. And they aspire to give back to the world in the endless continuum of change, exchange and renewal; they are catalysts. From a tiny spark a great fire was kindled and its flames warmed the world..."

Too often people lack real passion in the job that they do. You don't have to be a traditional performer to have fire or to inspire change. You can be a performer in your own life - be your own star. Right now i have a sheep hanging on the wall of my office; it symbolizes leaving the flock behind and forging your own path. It's made quite a few people stop and take a closer look and maybe it's made them think too.

My director told me today, during a scheduled one-on-one meeting, that my writing made him think. that my writing showed heart and that i had a skill there. he encouraged me to find my own passion may it be with our company or another, highlighting how i'm young enough to choose and fortunate enough not to be trapped in one area.

He extended his hand to me, letting me know that anything I needed in terms of job support he was willing to give and that he looked forward to seeing what i produced with my term extension.

I'm so excited and grateful to have that support from a director. The director of communications at NRCan never even introduced himself to me. Taking notice of even the smallest employee is the mark of a good leader in my opinion. My GM at my former job took notice of every employee and knew each by name, regardless of the job that they performed. And people respect him in a way that his predecessor never experienced.

Oh in case you're wondering about the title. my director said that during our meeting and i pointed out it was a song lyric and he remarked that's where he gets all his best lines. Humour: another trait that can be hard to come by when dealing with superiors in a corporate environment.

Have I mentioned that i love my job?

Commitment

The irony of commitment is that it’s deeply liberating – in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.

That quote appeared on my Venti non fat, 6 pump tazo chai latte every Wednesday morning for 4 months. I remember saying that it was going to be my new mantra because i had developed a problem with commitment.

It's true though, when you commit to doing something you remove all barriers that kept you from going after it in the first place. I have the over thinking problem. I read into every little thing and even when i know that i am being completely crazy (and i tell myself so..sometimes aloud) i can't stop the thoughts from reeling. Like with my job, i debated for weeks about pitching to my boss why she should keep me on staff. In the end they decided to extend my contract but had they not I always would have wondered what would have happened had i opened my mouth and stopped hesitating. IF i had just committed to the moment.

Commitment allows you to remove the "what if" from your life. And of course, it may not always work out as planned but the fact that you will never have to wonder is a reward in itself. Even those things that end poorly help make you who you are meant to be.

P and I discussed the other day whether or not we would change anything if we went back and did our high school years over again. I couldn't think of anything that i would change - not because my high school years were so incredibly fantastic, nor were they awful - but because all of those moments of insecurity, those days where i regretted choices or let people walk all over me or missed out on opportunities have taught me so much and have made me into the confident and generally successful person i am today.

i am so happy with my life and how it has turned out so far. I may not be finished school yet like most of my friends but i've accomplished a lot more than many of them by extending my stay at university. I may not be in a relationship but i don't let guys walk all over me and i won't settle for being unhappy because the alternative might be more difficult. i might live at home still but i have a good enough relationship with my parents to make that feasible and it allows me to save money for the future. i've learned to take criticism and apply it to my work. i've learned to tackle tough situations instead of avoiding them. i know that honesty is the best way to go and i exercise that quality even in difficult situations.

i'm committing to life and to living as the best me that i can be. As Nike said (perhaps not quite so eloquently as my Starbucks cup), "Just Do It"

Taking Pleasure in the Simple Things

I think traffic can be beautiful. Sometimes it feels like perfectly choreographed movement, seamless as cars merge together on the road. The smooth transition of lane changes and the sheer effortlessness driving radiates. Often I find myself thinking this on my morning commute - strange, i know.

The celebration of light starts on Wednesday. I love fireworks they are another of my simple pleasures. Watching them light up the sky fills me with hope, wonder and possibility. It makes Vancouver (and all of its suburbs) a community for 10-15min as they all stare up at the sky with that same look of awe on their faces. We become united under a sea of colorful moments in time. This week my sweet friend E is coming to visit from Ottawa. I haven't seen her since I moved back to the West Coast. She was the only good friend I made while over there and she was so welcoming and really made an effort to be my friend, which is so rare when people know that your stay is only temporary. I can't wait to return the favor this week - perhaps at our city's dazzling celebration of light.

I shared a compliment with my beautiful friend K the other day, that a friend of mine had mentioned. K so often underestimates the beauty she exudes from the inside out and it was so nice to share that someone else had noticed - someone who she doesn't know very well. She sent me a text a couple hours later stating that it was "amazing how a compliment could turn your day around." i was just happy i could help make her feel special even for just that day. Someone i've been interested in, asked for my number yesterday and I couldn't help but agree with K's assertion - small gestures can really make that silver lining glow.

This week I was called into a meeting with my manager and supervisor and they expressed that they wished to extend my contract with them for an additional 4 months. The recognition that i'm doing a good job through this phenomenal result is overwhelming. I appear to be a very confident person and I try my darnedest, but there's always that doubt lingering. Having that effort and hard work pay off is something that I hope happens for every person a few times in their life. This moment might not have been so simple, but it was that vocal affirmation that my contract would be extended that brought tears to my eyes and made my entire day shine brighter with thoughts of a potentially successful future.

May you all embrace the small things that make you smile to the larger ones that make your heart ache with joy.

xoxo

Life Unexpected

I've been a blog slacker lately. I had my first paper of the semester due a couple weeks ago and post-paper i'm only interested in relaxing.

I've only got a month left at my job placement. I'm going to be pretty sad when it ends to be honest. I really don't want to go back to the auction. I love being in an environment with people who want to be there and who all work hard to get the job done. Also, doing a job that I enjoy and that is something I'm interested in helps too.

Every time i go back to the auction it feels like i'm stepping backwards, that i've failed somehow. I know, well the rational side of me knows, that it's a temporary means to me finishing school. It's difficult to find a job that is so flexible with a student and still pays a decent wage. But that place is filled with people who don't want to be there, but are because they feel that they have no other option. Most don't take pride in their work, they're lazy and they don't even try to hide it. They also don't pay enough for long term employment - UNLESS you make management and then the hours are off the charts covering for all the slacking employees.

But i have to finish 3 classes...yes i said 3. The English dept is screwing me over an issue that I had dealt with 3 years ago and they're making me take an additional class. So it turns out my last semester will not be as easy as I originally thought.

It'll all work out. it always does. life may be completely unexpected but it does have a way of working itself out in the end. i do firmly believe that things will fall into place for me, but i really wish they would fall a little bit faster. my impatience is getting the best of me.

Missed Opportunities

have you ever had a dream about a coworker? awkward isn't it? especially when you see them the next day at work and just the sound of their voice or someone mentioning their name makes you turn red (i'm a redhead remember, it seems as though redheads embrace all forms of red on any part of their bodies, esp the face and when embarrassed and any skin showing when it's sunny).

but back to the point of my post. last night i had a dream about one of my coworkers, a not so PG 13 type dream. the odd thing is that i've never thought about him in that way before...and now it's all i can think about.

it's kind of like when someone puts an idea in your head, that maybe you've never considered, and suddenly it seems as though it could be a possibility.

i've been working this job for about 2 months now and i love it. i'm doing media relations and i'm the media contact for a group of 7 teams who work across the province. it's been a great opportunity to learn some managing styles as well as developing my own way of organizing an deploying media for the teams. we've been pretty successful so far this summer and i'm hoping that will be a theme that carries on. the problem is this is only a co-op position so it's done at the end of August.

a couple people who work in the office suggested that i make a pitch for keeping my position. basically demonstrate the need for it to be a full time position and show the difference their media has had this summer compared to last summer.

the thing is it really depends on budget. my position used to be full time and then media relations swallowed it up and made it a summer co-op position instead. so i'm not sure whether to pursue it but i can't get it out of my head.

deciding whether to pursue things can be difficult if you have something to lose. my friend T is another thing i can't get out of my head. i've known him since i started university 6 years ago and he's become one of my best friends - a friendship that has survived both of us relocating at different points. both of us have expressed interest in each other at different points but our timing has always been terrible. either i was dating someone or he was, or we were getting over other people, or not living in BC. there's always that lingering "what if?"...for me anyways.

the difficulty in deciding whether to pursue anything more than friendship with him comes down to if it didn't work, would i lose my friend. i don't know if i'm willing to take that risk. we do have a pact however that if we hit 35 and we're both still single we're getting married - it was originally 40 but we both want kids. this pact surfaced because we're both hopeless when it comes to dating.

but while with T i might lose a friend, with this job i guess i have nothing to lose since it's scheduled to end in August anyway. so maybe i should suck it up and work on my proposal.

Hot Commodity

Yea you read the title correctly.

I was informed by my girlfriend J that I am now considered a hot commodity in that particular circle of friends.

of course this posed the question of why to tumble out of my mouth. (i'm sure a very confused look was also painted on my face).

You see this particular circle is my group of married friends and this past weekend I found out 2 of them are pregnant. So now, not only are they all married they are also moving in to baby land - 2 places i am no where near.

But yes J informed me that I am now considered a hot commodity because i am the only single person all of them know.

How did this come to be realized you might wonder. Well whenever a single friend of the husband happens to be over the question of "so do you have any single friends?" surfaces. After some pondering the group's token redhead (ahem, me) took centre stage.

Now i've always liked playing the lead BUT the cherry on top of this great big sundae of delight?

I only know the rest of the group through J - i'm their friend by extension. This means that their "real" friends are ALL attached. They have literally had to grasp at straws to come up with a single friend.

That's right, hot commodity RIGHT HERE!

*le sigh*

Doormat: Tread Lightly

I can probably be blamed for all the rain the lower mainland will be getting for the remainder of June. I woke up this morning to a washing machine full of baby spiders. needless to say, i didn't let them enjoy their new home. they've since been relocated to the vacuum filter - not quite as roomy, but definitely dryer (haha no pun intended).

they really are the most creepy crawly of the creatures. there is never just one, never. they travel in packs and i think their sole purpose is to give me the heebie jeebies. As i vacuumed them all up, making darn well sure that nozzle got in every crook and cranny, I couldn't help but think of Charlotte. You know Charlotte right? Charlotte the spider from a little book called Charlotte's Web? well you should.

i couldn't help feel a little bit guilty as i disposed of the creatures preventing me from washing my clothes - maybe it was the universe's way of telling me i should be hand washing them? i did hang most of them to dry if that's any consolation.

it's that same feeling i get when i avert my eyes from strangers on the skytrain, or from homeless on the street. it's the reason i can't say no to kids collecting donations and why i beat myself up over declining when an adult asks me.

guilt eats at me like an ant on a lollipop even when i am really doing what i want and what i think is best for me; if it means depriving someone else of what they desire/need my insides writhe with agitation. so more often than not, i'll do what others want just to keep that feeling at bay.

my "friend" C constantly asks me to do things last minute. he knows that's one of my pet peeves but he still refuses to actually make the effort to plan something. to top it off, regardless of what time the last minute planning occurs, he expects me to drive out to meet him.if i make the suggestion first that he should come out my way, well let's just say it's suddenly not a convenient evening to hang out. this occurred the other night. after he insulted me i told him he was an ass and if he wanted to hang out he should come over. he obviously didn't and i spent the next hour justifying my actions to myself.

i'm waiting for the day that doing things for me will leave me feeling empowered, more confident, sure of who i am and what i stand for (and won't stand for).

maybe the spiders were a push.

maybe this was the universe's way of saying suck it up princess, you can't please 'em all.

Misleading Mishaps

I hate Minis...

now i don't mean mini chocolate bars, those are pretty awesome. i like mini ice cream treats as well mostly because they are just the right portion size for my moderately lactose intolerant tummy. i'm talking about mini coopers. you know those really tiny cars that BMW makes?

why you might ask? why do i hate the adorable little car that Austin Powers drives? because they are deceptive automobiles.

I just know that this has happened to you before too. You're driving through a crowded parking lot and there, right ahead, you see it - an empty spot. It's in a prime location too, always close to the door to wherever you need to be. Grinning from ear to ear, you race towards the parking spot, passing perfectly adequate spots along the way all because they are simply too far, and then you reach it and begin to turn your wheel... and that's when you realize it's not an empty spot at all, a god damn Mini is in it.

I hate being deceived, led on, teased. In fact, one of my number 1 pet peeves is people who bail on plans. I am a total planner and so when people agree to do something with me, i expect them to follow through. Now of course i'm not completely unreasonable, shit happens and sometimes things need to be rescheduled. But i'm talking about that one friend that we all have who consistently breaks plans. You can pretty much make a back-up plan every time and intend to follow through on plan 2, without double-booking yourself in the end.

I have friends who claim that if you don't plan/look forward to things, you can't be disappointed and so I shouldn't put so much emphasis on things that may or may not happen. But when you agree to do something, that's giving your word that you will, and when you continuously disregard that your word means less and less. Eventually, you'll reach a point where your existence is meaningless just like your words and actions.

i hate losing trust in people because it reminds me that not everybody is worth the time and effort and i like to think that everyone is, to someone at least.

i *might* have another contention with minis. perhaps. maybe slightly.

Driving up to campus one day I parked beside a mini cooper (an amazing parking spot i must add), it was a light blue one to be precise. Feeling triumphant i proceeded to my class with a big smile on my face, enjoying the sunshine as i strolled complacently. After my class i looked out on the parking lot, spotted my light blue mini friend and walked straight for it. And there, right beside my little bug (hmm...best not mix VWs with BMWs) was an empty parking spot.

now, i know you must be thinking "is she actually blaming the mini for her car getting stolen?!" and no i am not.

Thinking i had misjudged how close i had parked to the mini i kept walking, and walking AND walking. Finally i realized that my amazing parking spot would not be way the hell back here and turned around until i ended back at the empty parking spot. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, as i pondered what to do. i decided to walk back to the school and rationally think out a game plan. On my way back I suddenly came upon another mini cooper, light blue, in an amazing spot super close to the building. Beside it...my car.

even when there is a spot available the little bastards screw me anyway.

A Gentle Yearning

I spent my Friday night at my old high school watching this year's school play, John Lennon and Me. I was very active in the theatre department of my high school. I took part in every school play and since graduating, 6 years ago, I have been back to see every play that has been put on. I'm still in contact with one of my former acting teachers and she always makes sure I catch wind of any productions going on.

It's always kind of bittersweet going back to watch. On the one hand it's fun being on the receiving end of the entertainment and getting to check out what the kids are doing, visit with people I might not have seen for a while and just enjoy being back in the high school that was my home for 5 years.

On the other, i can't help but feel saddened that i'm not up there with them because I never continued acting after high school. I can remember that when I walked across the stage at graduation, one of the teachers read out my farewell line and it was something about seeing me on the big screen one day. I literally had stars in my eyes...then i got practical and chose a couple majors that i could create a more stable career out of. So stepping back into that tiny theatre where I spent countless evenings running lines, laughing, sometimes crying but always creating my most treasured memories of high school, I can't help but feel such a strong sense of longing for that feeling I used to have when on that little stage.

I attended the play with one of my former co-stars N. he played lead opposite me when we were 16 and performed Village of Idiots. I can't remember many lines from that play, not like my very first in elementary school ("We could have a Christmas tree, with lights shining lights") or my first high school play (Our Town), but that Village of Idiots holds all my feeling.

There was one scene where Yosef (N's character) has finally proven to me that he truly is a good man and I fall in love with him. I have to stare at him with a look of longing, of desire and hope, for it must have been about 10 min (which seems a lot longer when you're on stage). After one of the performances I got told that our vice principal had told my acting teacher that he couldn't believe i could hold that look for so long without breaking character.

at the time i thought that just meant i was a good actor, but now i think it's just because that look came so naturally to me. i think it's one that comes naturally to most high school students.

high school really is that place where longing is part of your every day experience. you long to belong, to do well, to get that part or to meet that guy. you long for high school to end and then when it does, you long for days to be as simple as they used to be.

our lives are so often characterized by longing for what we don't have that we sometimes forget what we do have. and while i don't think that i will ever stop longing for other experiences or for the future to get here faster or even for the past to be more real than a memory, i do need to learn to appreciate life in the moment a little bit more.

John Lennon and Me reminded me how short life truly is not only because the main character has CF or because the other main character dies at13. But also because I didn't recognize one kid on that stage and not one teacher in that audience, aside from Ms. K, knew who i was anymore. We're here, we live for but a moment and then we're gone leaving only that mark, an imprint, on a few people before we carry on into something bigger.

maybe if we live more in the moment and less on the longing we'll touch just one more person and extend the memory and the impact of our life just a wee bit further.

Angry Tummy Alert

My tummy is so not happy right now. It's my fault really, I had to have my venti chai latte from Starbucks. Should have gone with the soy milk though....you'd think i would learn.

I'm somewhat lactose intolerant, can't eat spicy foods, can't handle a lot of caffeine, alcohol is tough on me too. to top it off, stress or being upset means my stomach pretty much wants to eat itself. When i moved to Ottawa last year i had about a month of the monster in my gut....really was unfortunate for my roommate although he had enough strange quirks that me hogging the upstairs bathroom almost balanced out in the end.

random note about strange roommate: you know he only went grocery shopping the first week we lived there together. he bought a case of Kraft Dinner but only for the noodles - he didn't like the "cheese" powder that came with it. when i asked why he didnt' just buy pasta he stated it was easier his way. he lived off pizza (ONLY from Canadian 2 for 1) the rest of the term.

anyhow, i've figured out that i have a mild case of IBS which is what causes me so much grief. although for the longest time my doctor insisted i just had a sensitive stomach. it's manageable most of the time especially now that i've figured out what works for me. but every now and then i find myself indulging in things i shouldn't...

like chai lattes...

or tequila.. (i really should avoid this for more reasons than the revenge of my stomach)

but i can't seem to help myself. it's like when you're baking cookies and it comes time to add the vanilla and you inhale its sweet yet subtle scent before you measure out your teaspoon. It's at this moment that i usually think about downing the bottle.

i know it doesn't taste good, i have learned that lesson...i'm sorry to say...more than once. i've gone through the whole: "well maybe this time it willl be different".."anything that smells that good can't taste that bad"...."maybe i had just brushed my teeth last time". My mom would always tell me not to taste it, but i never listened and ended up with a foul taste in my mouth.

A lot of things are like that, you know you shouldn't and next thing you know you are reaping the consequences.

it seems that with the way we have been programmed we have to experience everything, even those things which may hurt us (ie.burn) or make us cringe (ie.bad taste). we continue to throw ourselves in the path of probable harm in order to see for ourselves what its like. we disregard other people's warnings, we ignore the effects on others.

And sometimes we make it through ok, a better person in the end finally learning the lesson........and other times we're still tasting the vanilla from the bottle.

so here i am, streaming the latest episode of Glee and nursing my little monster into submission.

She hit the flo'

Since the new job is downtown i've started taking the skytrain to work every day. People on the skytrain are interesting. You have the ones who are absorbed in their copy of the 24 Hours, the ones who sleep, the ones who stare at you and you're not quite sure what they're about to do and the ones who listen to their ipods and zone out until their stop arrives. I'm fascinated by the ipod listeners.

I am also a fellow ipod listener. However, i rarely zone out. i'm always watching others with their headphones on because i have this pressing desire to know what people are listening to.

it takes a lot of concentration, i'm talking extreme, for me to act like a normal passive human being when listening to music. i'm one of those people who sings along to every song i know the words to, regardless of where i am. I BELT out musicals in my car. The Wicked soundtrack is my favorite right now, although lately my rendition of Good Morning Baltimore from Hairspray is knocking out my version of Defying Gravity) I even serenaded my co-workers at my old job. It's so freeing.

....now i could do this on the skytrain but then i would be THAT person, you know the one who everyone avoids and prays they won't catch eyes with.

now i'm starting to get pretty good at just enjoying the music in my head but when a really good song comes on sometimes i find myself smiling to myself or closing my eyes to really sink in the moment.....or mouthing the words....or....dare i say it....dancing a little.

now i'm not full out busting a move or anything but i've been caught bobbing, hip swaying - usually i'm carrying stuff so that prevents the arms from getting away from me.

but lately i've had the urge to do more.

P and I have been taking pole dancing lessons since the beginning of March. I've finally learned enough moves that I can put together a routine of my own if i actually had my own pole to practice on (they are surprisingly expensive!). Yesterday Whatever You Like by Nicole Sherzinger came onto the ipod and I was suddenly struck with urge to whip out some traveling hip circles, body wave, diamond spin, backwards spin, squat and kick all over that skytrain car.

i decided against it since the poles on the new Canada line have all these other poles coming off of the centre pole in order to present more places for people to hang on. I definitely have not learned how to backwards fireman spin around that.

This morning it happened again. i was struck with that same urge, that compulsion, to break out some moves. It was so silent on the train and suddenly we hit King Edward and this space opened up on the floor. I tried to imagine how people would react if i shook my tail featherright across the car. would they gawk in awe? in horror? would they ignore me as i do when someone creeps me out on the skytrain? would they just be praying that i didn't try to get them to dance with me (that's what i would be doing, strange people always want to talk to me or involve me in what they are doing, i think it's the red hair - it attracts the most interesting people)?

OR maybe, just maybe they too would wonder what song is playing on my ipod and someone might even be inspired to let their music loving soul out and dance like no one is watching.

Will the Real Ticketmaster Please Stand Up

So I seem to have a bit of a ticket buying problem....Usually i'm really good about buying tickets - I only ever buy tickets to something i REALLY want to see (usually theatre) and I only ever buy the tickets when i KNOW FOR CERTAIN that I have someone to go with me.

Then it was announced that Carrie Underwood would be coming to Vancouver.... on my birthday...and let's face it, she's here on MY BIRTHDAY - how can i not go?

PROBLEM: I don't have very many friends who like country music....let me rephrase that: i really have no friends that like country music the way that i do. I do have a couple who tolerate it for my sake when i just *have* to go to Roosters and my best friend P is slowly being converted but she can't listen to anything too country yet. As a result i have missed out on tons of country shows that i would have loved to go to. More specifically, i missed out on Kenny Chesney 3 times - THREE TIMES!

But like i said before, it's my birthday - i HAVE to go!

So i purchased the tickets without having anyone to go with assuming that it would turn out ok. and you know what? it did. P agreed to come with me because it is my birthday and Carrie Underwood leans towards pop enough that she could totally handle it and probably enjoy it.

Crisis averted....then JRFM makes another concert announcement.

Toby Keith is coming to town! July 25th! and those wonderful people at JRFM emailed me a pre-sale code....really how can i not use it?

PROBLEM: *see above* AND Toby Keith definitely falls into the too country pile.

BUT it all worked out last time so next thing you know i'm hitting submit and my credit card is being charged...they are pretty amazing seats though - on the floor in the first floor section which the stage juts right through. And i've got two of them....maybe i can put my feet up?

I must subscribe to most mailing lists for country related events (y'all didn't see that one coming did you) and for theatre goups. So it comes as no surprise that i'm on the Cirque du Soleil mailing list. now i've been pretty lucky when it comes to Cirque. I've been able to go twice for free. The first time one of my acting teachers in high school called me up on summer break and offered me an extra ticket. The second time there happened to only be 7 kids in my French 12 class and as part of a culture study we got to go to Cirque on the school's dime. I've had a couple emails in my box taunting me for a couple weeks about a 25% off sale for the upcoming Kooza show.

PROBLEM: not a lot of my friends are into the whole live performance thing and most of them are a little tight on money right now due to the fact that most of them are a good 5 or more years older than me and while i'm 3 classes short of graduating, they're married, thinking about kids, having kids or buying property.

So what do i do? duh, if you haven't noticed the theme already, I buy them.

maybe i'll give P one for her upcoming birthday?

i've been saying for a while now that i need some younger, single girlfriends (all of mine are out of that stage of life where they decide at 9pm on a Friday - hey let's go dancing! and i kind of live to just go dancing) maybe i need to expand that to include theatre-going and country-lovin'.....something to think about

May the Name be with You

My girlfriend is pregnant and was informed at her ultra sound the other day that she will be having a boy!

we're all so very excited. i'm experiencing crazy baby fever right now so i can't wait to kidnap her little bundle of joy....yes i said kidnap...it's a problem i'm working on it...

We were on the discussion of names today and apparently she suggested to her boyfriend that she pick the first name and he can pick the middle name. After cycling through millions of names that D rejected continuously, K threw out a different suggestion

K: How about Lucas?
D: Lucas...i like that
K: Maybe Lucas Charlie - Charlie after my dad?
D: no, Lucas Skywalker
K: you're kidding right?
D: nope *pats belly* hello little Lucas Skywalker

K was amused at first ( I think it's hilarious personally) but it became increasingly clear that D wasn't kidding so much.

She brought it up at work with a couple of her male co-workers who thought it was "pretty cool." One suggested that maybe they could name baby Lucas Anakin...little less out there but still holding on to the Star Wars theme. K brought that up with D and he turned it down.

His reasoning?

Anakin was evil....our baby isn't evil.

I'm a Little More Country than That

I love country music. Most people I meet don't see me as a country-lover they usually guess some version of pop - my tendency to have a sugary sweet disposition might have something to do with that assumption.

But to me country music feels like home. I often say that it's music you can feel, I mean REALLY feel. there's so much emotion packed into every song and even the silly ones are just so feel good that they fill you with an emotion all the same.

They make me yearn for small town life and strong community and family values.

I was in Chapters this afternoon (side note: having the day off is great....less fun when no one else does though) and i stumbled across a Melissa Gilbert biography. For those who don't know Melissa Gilbert played Laura Ingalls in Little House on the Prairie.

I must have seen every episode of that show multiple times. Not every episode was my favorite - generally if it circled around another family in the town and there was little to no interaction with the Ingalls than I wasn't all that interested - and there were some that scared the bejeezus out of me (remember the one where the black smith rapes Albert's girlfriend wearing that white mask?) and ones that broke my heart (Mary going blind, the blind school burning down, the final episode when they blew up the town).

I was also enamored by the writing of LM Montgomery and tales in Road to Avonlea as well as her world-renowned Anne of Green Gables series (my personal favorite).

I think it's the extreme strength that all of these families possess which draws me towards them even today. Even though the Ingalls family faced the gamut of hardships over the course of the show's run, the overarching theme that with family you will make it through never wavered. I'm attracted to this idyllic view of families, mostly because i dont' think that it has to be merely an idyllic fantasy. These families all have their problems and they don't always agree but they always come back to one another.

Much of that comes down to tradition I think and I know I have expressed a lacking in family tradition within my genetic pool before, but it's a recurring concern of mine that I want to make sure I change when I finally have a family of my own. I want my own Little House in Vancouver to have that much love, to live in a community like Avonlea where every person matters and to create a family where maybe there wasn't one before just like Anne.

And so I listen to country music and grasp at the country roots that will be....

Planning for A Future

“Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans” ~ John Lennon


I'm a compulsive planner. I have plans for a whole range of things in my personal life. I could tell you about my 4 children - 2 boys and 2 girls - their names Isabella, Evelyn, Sawyer and Connor. I could tell you about the nursery i made for the girls - sweet pea green walls with a white chair runner and varying shades of pink vertical stripes below the chair runner. But they don't exist....


My bridesmaids are going to wear yellow silk dresses with a cowl back. My flowers will be lilies - i'm a big fan of stargazer lilies. My centrepieces are going to be large martini glasses with those hydra beads in them and cascading flowers and an led light inside the glass, all on top of a circular mirror to reflect the light onto the whole table. But i'm not engaged....or even in a relationship.

I have a compulsion to know what is going to happen - to try and plan for everything, even those things over which I have little control. I think this is one of the things that drew me to drama and the theatre. Now i'm not talking about improvisational theatre - that i have never been a fan of. I don't like being put on the spot and the pressure to be funny makes me less funny than i usually am. I'm talking about being in a play.


Everything is so perfectly planned when getting ready for a performance. Entrances and exits are timed to a T. Each person knows their lines and if one should forget then everyone else knows where we need to be to get that person back on track. This is possible because we already know the ending and the journey, no matter what bumps happen when the curtain rises, is always going to end in the same way. it lends a sense of security that is so often missing from the real world.


Now for someone who is such a planner you might be wondering then why does she have that running problem....I'm not really sure about that myself.


I can plan for the future but planning a specific future with someone is a lot harder - probably because I can't control their actions.


I recently found myself in a relationship and I was actually planning for the two of us. That is something i haven't done with another person since somewhere back in 2006 when the world crumbled around me.


And for the first time, in so long, it wasn't me that prevented the planning. I was ok with it, strangely ok with it. My girlfriends were scratching their heads at my odd ease with this relationship i had stumbled into.


I know that i plan far far.....far ahead because it's safe. It doesn't impact anything right now and they really are just pipe dreams - possibilities - a girl's fairytale hopes. The details change all the time and i am in complete control of every one of those changes....but it's not as satisfying as it once was.


I think i'm finally in a place where i want to plan a future with someone and I don't want those plans to solely exist as moments within my imagination. I think i need more..


I think i'm finally growing up...and while i'm so happy that i'm ready for all of that again, i find myself a little bit sad that it's not as easy to keep my mind content by merely imagining the details of my future home out in the 'burbs.